I, the NoGoodDaddy, do solemnly swear to try to bitch less. I swear to not gripe as much about how shitty I think things are. I know that I am a whiny bitch and should be more funny. I hereby permit anyone dumb enough to read this shit to come to my place of work or habitation and slap me should I bitch too much.
Hi.
So, yesterday�s prediction was almost right. The ride was really nice. The weather was nice and I guess wives were promising hummers because people decided to drive home at normal speeds. I happen to think that the promise of oral sex will reduce or possibly eliminate all traffic problems. Now, it�s OK on the way home, but were I to get such a promise in the morning, I may have to pass. I don�t think I need any of the beasts here anywhere near my dick. We live on a corner. As I came down the street alongside our house, I could see JewelrySlut and Shmuppie in the driveway. I slowed down and Shmuppie gave me one of her Daaaaaaaaaaaddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Cries. I turned the corner and she came tearing towards me and had to be restrained lest I flatten her with my massive expression of automotive superiority . In reality, it�s anything but. I got it really cheap.
So, we played in the driveway for a while. I went inside to our beer fridge, popped open 2 Caribs and enjoyed them in the waning sun of a spring day. Life was good.
A side note on Carib Beer. Go to the site. I�ll wait.
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So, Carib, as the site says, is the authentic, original, unique and defining icon of being young, modern and fashionable in Trinidad and Tobago.. Do you think it kills them to have 2 honkys from Suburban NJ drinking their beer in the sunshine? I think it might. We discovered Carib this past summer while on St. John. They don�t seem to serve Corona down there very much and Carib is close enough. When we got home, we searched for a while, asked around, and were rewarded some time later when our local liquor store started stocking it. It�s a pretty shitty beer, but if the light and mood is right, it tastes like vacation. It�s yet another of those things that remind us of St John.
Speaking of which, again, we�ve decided when we�re going back. The 2 of us, ChurchBomber and MerlotMan will be making our triumphant return in 2006. They�re going to Alaska this summer and we had planned to move, so we have nothing planned for this summer. This past summer�s trip coincided with my 30th birthday and the next will be for our 10th anniversary. It should be good.
On another related note, I�m always plotting and scheming about vacations. It�s become an obsession. It�s way beyond the hobby stage. I planned the St Jon trip for 4 years at least. So, JewelrySlut and I need a vacation. We�re not moving and will need something to do with our days off. We also, for some odd reason, have recently come in to a bunch of money. We got money back from the IRS, I got a bonus, and we switched to GEICO. The last one is saving us almost $2000 per year. Sweet. So, I have money and days off and they�re burning a hole in my pants. It�s either that or something�s wrong with my wiener. I�m not sure.
I think we may bite the bullet and go to a resort. I normally don�t like resorts. They tend to be overpriced and don�t let you enjoy where you�re staying. We like to go out and sightsee. I don�t like the idea of being inside a resort all the while knowing that if I leave the grounds, a bum is going to cut me open with a broken Heineken bottle. However, for this trip, we�re looking for cheap and sunny. I think we�re going to end up in Cancun. I�m scouring the many websites I frequent for a resort that looks clean enough and will offer us unlimited booze for under $1800 for the week (airfare included). Then, we will get there, park our asses on a beach and get roaring drunk for a week. Should be fun.
Here�s the excitement so far at work:
Our warehouse emailed the world announcing that 2 items were out of stock. This distressed me largely because when they were out of stock for the same 2 items last Friday, I printed them 500 of each. They needed 80. Now, they�re apparently out of them again. SO, I write back and say that I can print up 1000 of each. Now, as I see it, the issue�s done. Inventory crisis averted.
But Nooooooooooooo.
How could I be so silly? If you may recall from this entry , one of our supervisors is named Fucker. So Fucker, after I�d said that I�d handled everything, starts sending emails about how we�re out of inventory and how this is a bad thing. I�m forced to write back in a sarcastic tone saying essentially, �When I said I�d handle both items, I meant that I�d handle both items. If you can wait 10 minutes, I�ll fold and deliver them myself�. So, off I go. I drop off 2 neatly packed trays of forms for him.
Me: Here�s both items.
Fucker: Both? What?
Me: (slowly for emphasis) Booooth. You needed 2 items, I printed and folded 2 items.
Fucker: You did them both?
Me: Bye now.
This man wonders why, in 2 1/2 weeks, his 30 person department is being chopped down to 3.
I�ll also take this time and space to discuss checklists. You all are lucky to be alive. In fact, I find it amazing that you are. I don�t think you have checklists to get through your days. Apparently, without them, one can not exist.
Back around 18 months ago, a decree came down from the ivory tower of HealthcareRelatedCompany stating that everyone needs to have SOPs and checklists to best do their job. They believe that everyone�s job can be distilled down to a sheet or 2 of instructions and a few boxes. Needless to say, I didn�t buy it. It�s even juicier because my SOPs were written by people who have no idea what it is that I do. So, should I follow my SOP, nobody would ever get anything printed. We�d have a lot of emails and forms, but no production. So, I took the SOP, stored it away and went about doing my job. At the end of each month, I�m supposed to hand in a checklist for each print job I process. It shows that I followed all the steps that the SOP says need to be followed in order to print a job. I�m supposed to sit with this checklist next to me and check it off as I go along. It�s there to help me.
Let�s say I suddenly become a retard and don�t know what to do when someone asks for a job to be printed.
I have a checklist!
It will tell me what to do.
Again, needless to say, I fill out the checklists wrong�on purpose.
Alright, I can hear you all. �You go, NoGoodDaddy. You show The Man who is really The Man. You fucking rebel! Yeeeeeeeh Fill out those checklists wrong, bitch. You so fucking Rock!�
I know, I know, but one needs to win the winnable skirmishes when one can. I�ll never win the war, but I can inflict a little harm along the way. I fill the things out in such a way that they�re impossible to follow. I check �No� when I should check �Yes� and put �N/A� all over the place even if it makes no sense whatsoever. Really, it�s just there to amuse me. So, since my manager left a while back, my little checklists have been stacking up because nobody can figure out who should check them for me. Today, BaldNazi decided that my compatriot in the Print Room should. I handed them over to BaldNazi and he announced that they were all wrong and that I have to fix them.
Now, am I going to fix them? I don�t think so. I don�t care. The jobs got printed and mailed and that�s what matters. Also, the only 2 people in the whole operation who care about these things are BaldNazi and EsteemedDirector. Since EsteemedDirector�s last day is in 2 days, BaldNazi has nobody to be his muscle. He�s just going to be a little man with no hair who looks at paperwork that nobody cares about. Now that�s rewarding!
It�s funny how the departure of EsteemedDirector is changing things here. He liked to manage my screaming and belittling people. I toed the line just because I couldn�t bother having a grown man scream at me. I never feared him and would stand up to his insanity from time to time, but I mostly couldn�t be bothered. But, with him gone, who�s going to get mad when I fill in the wrong boxes?
No one. That�s who.
And I�m going to continue to rock on like the rock star that I am.
God, my life at work is so lame. Then again, whose isn�t?
Now, if you�ll excuse me, I have to go fix my checklists. I think I�ll fill them in using a differently colored pen. That will be sooooooo against the rules.
I hope nobody beats me up.
Ooh�one more thing. I made a big CD of mp3s the other day for JewelrySlut to listen to at work. I stole it and copied all the files to my computer here. I have a nice 7+ hour loop of Buffett and Marley music. Sweet.