2007-01-03 - 8:51 a.m.

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I think I need to give up drinking peyote before I go to bed.

Background: When JewelrySlut and I are asleep, we're usually all cutsie cute and we lay right next to each other, one wrapped around the other depending on where in the bed we are. It's odd that we're on opposite sides of the bed. If we wake up that way, we usually slither over and grab the other one.

So, at one point this morning, I ripped myself out of her grasp and went to my side of the bed. Why? Let me explain my dream:

I was at what seemed to be a hybrid high school and college reunion...held in a tree house...that doubled as an aquarium. OK...so that's a little odd. One chick I went to high school with was wearing an odd-looking shirt with the flag of a fictitious country on it. I remember that. I was at the bar with a few of my college homies. Some were doing shots, others were drinking beer.

Suddenly, a helicopter appeared right overhead (somehow the roof of the tree aquarium was gone). It was hovering nearby and was shining a spotlight into a tree...where it was hunting for illegal immigrants. OK. So, it found 2 of them (treed like raccoons) right near us. Being drunken fools (and knowing that my college friend John works for the Government), we decided to take chase. Well, one fell from the tree on to me and a struggle ensued. I used my laser pointer (What?) to put a submission-type move on him.

I actually know a submission-type move (taught by the aforementioned John). Want to learn? Take anything long and hard (hee hee) like your finger, or a pen, or, hell...why not? a laser pointer and put it under someone's nose. Push up. If you do it hard enough, I think you can break the underside of the nose and force nose bits into the brain. Usually, you stop before that point.

Anyhoo...struggling with a migrant worker, something happened and things settled down. But, the migrant was still after me. Or, at least his family was. Because...you know...they travel in packs.

Anyway, I had to leave for a trip the following day, and JewelrySlut was not taking the threat of migrant attackers seriously. I was very mad. This all led to us finding ourselves in the back of a van with Oprah and Jesse Jackson. (What did I eat for dinner?) See, Jesse had kidnapped JewelrySlut and Oprah was apparently there to save the day.

Shortly after this, I woke up. I was missed at JewelrySlut for not having taken the threats seriously enough.

Then the phone rang. At 3:40 AM. A wrong number from someone who either was trying to dial Nigeria or was calling from Nigeria. Life imitating art? I'm not sure.

So, I got back to sleep. If I'd known what was coming, I'd have stayed awake.

For my next dream sequence, let me introduce the characters: we have JayZ, Gene Wilder, our property manager, Carol, and a cast of neighbors. This one was good.

As the dream starts, JewelrySlut and I are in our house, but it's not quite our house. It's like if we took a hybrid of all 3 courts of town homes here and kinda melded them into one. Anyway, there's a ruckus in the parking lot.

In the land of awake people, we actually have a neighbor, a 19 year old girl with 2 kids and 2 abortions under her belt, who is always causing trouble. Her "boyfriends" (read pimps or dealers) are always coming by, usually with the cops in tow.

So, we're in our pseudo-house and there's trouble brewing in the parking lot. Cops arrive and there's a standoff. The neighbor fires a shot at the cops, misses, and is arrested (a scenario that I fully expect to happen any day now). Things clear up, and we go outside. Many neighbors are there, including recent additions to the neighborhood, Gene Wilder and JayZ. Gene gets a hold of a suddenly naked JewelrySlut and pulls her into a limo and commences with harassing/assaulting her. I can't really do much because JayZ has picked up one of the loose guns and is holding me at gunpoint. See, he's unhappy with my presidency. (Again, this is something I anticipate happening soon). He's ready to shoot me because, apparently, I authorized repairs to my deck and not another of our neighbor's.

Clearly, this makes a lot of sense. Well, JayZ and I are arguing about who's repairing what and I'm explaining that if he needs repairs, he needs to call Carol (who has materialized to check out some work that needs to be done on some newly-installed drains). I show Carol the repairs and mention that JayZ is holding me at gunpoint. She runs away (and we pay her to do what?). It continues with me and JayZ for a while, with him taking shots at my feet every now and again.

At some point, we stop our little discussion and my attention turns back to the limo that JewelrySlut is trapped in. Gene Wilder lets her go and I ask if he hurt her. She responds with "No, he just made me sit on his dick"

At that point, I woke up again. It was 6:00 and I was happy that the alarm would be ringing in an hour. I'd had it with sleep for one night.

On a different note, we managed to survive the New Year's visit. It was, for the most part, an epic nightmare. We shuttled back and forth to the new house with my parents. There was a lot of work to be done and a lot of me being pissed off to happen.

They will be closing in NJ on February 9. This happens to be JewelrySlut's birthday. In a stroke of good luck, ChurchBomber emailed JewelrySlut to say that flights from Newark to Belfast were uber-cheap for the following week. Guess where JewelrySlut will be for her birthday and the following week?

Good for her. Now, I just need to book the thing. We're using Delta miles for a continental flight, so I have some doing to do.

What did you dream about last night?

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