Good Evening and welcome to Casa NoGood where we're watching the Opening Ceremonies to whatever the hell Olympiad this one is.
Since my hero, Simmons, has made the commentary/diary of a large television event a staple, I figured I'd rip it off.
I promise nothing. I have a good feeling this is NOT going to be funny at all. But, that's why we all stop to watch train wrecks.
8:09: If it's not Mary Carrillo's hair scaring me to death, it's Michelle Kwan's teeth. Bitch, get those things fixed for the love of Christ. Fucking fix those choppers. And, as an aside, figure skating is NOT a sport. If it's judged, it's not a real sport. Michelle Kwan should be home getting beaten by her father right now, not on my TV.
8:20: According to Darren Rahlves, the "snow is insane" on the training run. According to JewelrySlut, it's "Fucking crazy". I know not what either means.
8:25: No more skiing practice. We're watching The Office now. You Two HOARS need to settle down, mop your nether regions and stop panting.
8:53: Say what you will about The Office (especially if you're a whiny bitch who compares it to the UK version) but that shit is funny.
Also…spoke to Meany today. I don't like her voice. OK…it's not that bad, but I didn't think it matched her online personality. I don't know what she was supposed to sound like (not Alvin and the Chipmunks or anything) but not what it sounds like. I even said Fuck twice while we spoke. Oh yea, I said fuck. My quote was "When you talk to her, tell WCG to shut the fuck up". I don't know why I said that, probably because I was in the Philadelphia area. I fucking hate Philadelphia. I'll get to my plane trip later on, but cataclysmic fucking fuck up come to mind when I think of it. I was kinda supposed to meet Meany and WCG tonight or something, but, especially after my flight, I kinda begged off. No offense, ladies, I like one of you, but I want to be ball deep later on tonight, not entertaining you clowns.
Whoa…that was a bit much, especially since the recipient of said sexual dissatisfaction is looking over my shoulder as I type.
Hello?
Hello?
Am I posting this?
As David Gregory would say to Imus, "We should have this conversation on the air next time" (OK...so that was a joke for the 2 of us. Go to hell the rest of you. OK...that was SOOOOO unnecessary...someone named NoGoodDaddy needs to avoid US Air for a while)
9:03 Ford or someone is sponsoring Paralympics Superheroes. Oh God am I ever going to hell. Imagine...tards in chairs...with capes...fighting what? Drool?
Well...we're underway and some Russian Wop in an outfit straight out of Return of the Jedi is making flames shoot into the sky that are (according to my cohort) "Absolutely penile-looking". As she said "I could say phallic, but I prefer Penile"
I need another drink.
Go get me one.
Look over here, you slut. Get me a drink NOW! I mean it. Get me a refill.
Sweet...it worked.
Leave it to us Eye-talians to, in the words of the immortal Bob Costas, "Form a beating heart. Obviously, the universal symbol of passion." Funny, I thought that was a wet twat.
9:10: When I host the Olympics, summer OR winter, the opening ceremonies will go thusly:
Athletes walk in
I pick two at random (I will be dressed as Chairman Kaga while I do this)
They fight to the death in the middle of the stadium.
Citius Altius Fortius my ass. I want blood and death. (Why do I know the Olympic little phraseology there...because Norwegian asks it on every cruise as a part of Sports Trivia. Ask me what a Stimpmeter does. I know. ASK ME I SAID!)
Since I'm not hosting the Olympics, we have people dressed as cows ice skating. And trees…also skating. As we know, "1/3 of the country is associated with the mountains". Thanks, Bobbo. What that has to do with Wops dressed up as cows are way beyond me.
9:16: "This is one of several protocol portions of the Opening Ceremonies" (According to Bob) "28 Spaghetti Benders?! And they're outfitted by Giorgio Armani?" says the scribe to my left.
9:22: Ok...I hate US Air. The plane on Monday was filthy. It had ripped seats and sucked balls. To make matters worth, it was taking me to PHL. I hate PHL. It sucks. Today was worse. I made sure to arrive seriously early because PHL is known for long lines. I was forced to wait for roughly ever to get through security. Don't get me wrong, I'm for the checks, but open the lines up. You can't have only 2 lines open when you have 5 stations. It's not cool at all. So, having gotten through security, I got to my gate and hung out. When it came time to board my group (#4), I sat back waiting for the line to subside. As I was about to hand off my boarding pass and go down the ramp to the jet way, they called group 5. I swear to Christ, 20 people so budged. They cut the line! 20 grown adults, many of them business people, pushed me out of the way. TO WHAT END? TO WAIT ON ANOTHER LINE. I loudly said "Go ahead and push...we're all on line still"
JewelrySlut is mad because I'm ranting about US Air and not the spectacle that is the Ceremonies. More to come.
9:29...are you watching the ceremonies? Ok...so the part where they formed a ski jumper...sp at the end, they shoot things...we were hoping for T-shirts…like when Maude Flanders died.
Some Olympian man/boy is a dead ringer for Molly Ringwold. Look for him. I can't tell you what he does, but I'd wager it involves ice or snow.
So, I, JewelrySlut, am taking over the keyboard. I'm supposed to say now "That's right, bitches, I'm taking over the keyboard"
9:33…what the fuck is this? Cirque de Soleil meets Willy Wonka me thinks. Even Costas is speechless. Honestly, who gives a crap about this artsy fartsy shit? Just bring in the ath-a-letes already.
9:36...please welcome the ath-a-letes…Yay! The ath-a-letes! Albania, Albania, you border on the Adriatic. Athens apparently got residual benefits from hosting the Olympics, according to Bobbo. Is that like a friend with benefits? Are those boys playing leapfrog? (Greece just walked in or something) Have you ever noticed how fucking excited the announcer is? And why are we playing a medley of 70s music? All of the dresses of the placard bearers are apparently designed by a mosquito. What?
Australia in the hizzle...HOLLA!!!!
Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! OY! OY! OY!
And apparently Austria will survive, just like Gloria Gaynor, but will they lay down and die? Only time will tell.
May I just add that I'm being edited by the almost totally drunk NGD…not cool. Not only is he never around, but when he is, he doesn't satisfy me (I was told to write that, by the way).
9:43...Bermuda has one athlete and I'm curious to see if he's wearing shorts. Aren't we all Bob Costas? Aren't we all?
9:45: Canada's coming soon. Remind me to tell you all how much I hate Canadians. And< I know I have a few red dots from Canada on the map, but I hate you none the less. Unless, you're from Vancouver. I'd move to Vancouver was it not in fucking Canada (and yes, I'm back.). They do have cool hats though.. Through a program called "Own the podium" the Canadians plan to win more medals. Say it with us, folks, "Who owns the team…ownsssssssss" If you don't get that go watch Slap Shot and then come back. Whoa...Bob just trailed off into a commercial. JewelrySlut thinks he got attacked by an Italian dog.
Now it's JewelrySlut again...I'm in trouble because I abbreviated someone's name. So, allow me to apologize here...it's not NGD, it's NoGoodDaddy, NoGoodDaddy, NoGoodDaddy and now I throw it back to him...that would be NoGoodDaddy, by the way.
Back in control of my company-owned laptop…I offer a prize to the person who can first find the only time I called her by an abbreviated name. I did it once. Only once. Go find it, losers.
I'm a heavily armed land mine Brian. So what? I have no idea what that's supposed to mean (from JS, am I allowed to abbreviate my own name? Well, I'm going to...JS, JS, JS…so there)
Me again (JS, that is)...NoGoodDaddy just said "Ethiopia's next" and my response was, "And they'll be chased by flies." I understand I have a warm spot in Hell reserved for me. Don't we all?
9:57: Me again. Did I mention that ChurchBomber is coming down this weekend? No? She is. That means that we have to be quiet during our sensual lovemaking this weekend.
9:58...JS here...I just threw up in my mouth, just a little bit.
10:00: This better not be a commercial for Pennsylvania. The only thing I hate more than Canada is Pennsylvania. Speaking of which…the flight sucked. After getting budged, I had to deal with the people on the flight. See...it's apparently no longer socially acceptable to check bags. I was about 2/3 of the way back in the plane and by the time I got to my seat, EVERY overhead was taken. No problem for me because I check my bag. But, a long drawn out ordeal ensued. It ended up with people having to un-board and check bags. As a result, we left ½ hour late. I was vocally bitching to my section of the plane. In fact, I'll say I entertained my section of the plane with my witty jokes about how stupid most people are. I mean, is it everyone's first trip on a plane? How hard is it to check a bag or go through security? Apparently very hard…
"The speeding White Sausage". That's Gaorg Hackl's nickname. Make your jokes now. He's a luging fiend. Don't we all wish to be a Speeding White Sausage luging fiend?
10:10: The USVI has a luger lady. So, because we can, we're naming locations on the USVI and the BVI, to boot, where one could street luge. That's right...we've been to both VI's. And we like them a lot.
10:13: We've moved into the 80's for the background music and we're happy about that.
10:19: The Mongolians have AWESOME hats AND... "Video killed the Radio Star" is playing. Did you know that was the first video played on MTV?
10:22 Poland is up...cue Brian Williams' reference to the late Pope John Paul II as a skier.
Whoa....Bob and Brian just noticed the music. And I quote the Great Bob Costas: "If I hear Bette Davis Eyes by the immortal Kim Carnes my night will be complete". Brian adds "Donna Summer will do it for me. As we look at the athletes, let me mention that they are in fact cold". Nice attempt to cover that up, Brian. Would Tom Brokenjaw have said that? Would he? Would he? (Get that one, you know Who?
10:29: We're coming up soon. And when I say we, I mean the good old U S of A. You know it...we'll put a boot in your ass, it's apparently the American way.
They're drunk. It's official. Brian and Bob are drunk. Where's Katie Couric? Blowing somebody? Why can't we have her here doing whatever it is that she does?
There's that Michelle Kwan bitch again. FIX YOUR TEETH!
Shaun White…he's the snowboarding Molly Ringwold look-alike. Apparently, he has a very engaging personality. Thanks for that, Bob.
Earlier, Bob reminded us that the vast majority of all athletes never even have a chance at a medal. Thanks for reminding us that most of these people are there for the booze and the trim. I needed to know that.
"Trim, that's funny" I am dealing with a 12 year old pubescent boy. Lord have mercy on my soul.
10:36...NoGoodDaddy (heaven forbid I refer to him as NGD) is in the fetal position on the couch because Ronald McDonald is on the telly. Do y'all know that he is afraid of clowns? Well, he is. And that is precisely why I want to get myself one of those Burger King heads and scare the hell out of him when he wakes up to me wearing it. Yup, I crack myself up thinking about that. I am so funny!
10:42: Arby's has 2 for $4 fish sandwiches for sale. I fucking dare you.
10:44: Burn Baby Burn...Disco Inferno.
10:46: Here come my people. Maybe, like SecretAgentBrother, I'll get "SPQR" tattooed on my guns. I swear. My brother is a faggot. A gay-ass faggot. No wonder his wife left him for another man. We don't know what song they're coming in to, but JewelrySlut says "Let's say it's something from Paul McCartney and Wings" Why? Beats me. "Why not?" says she.
10:48: Holy shit...almost 2200 words. I applaud any of you for making it this far. That ends it for the Olympians. Time to go have sex or something.
(She sneers in my direction.) I vote for the "or something", but I don't think I have a choice in the matter. Sucks to be me, I guess.
Didn't suck to be you when I propped you up on the washing machine and hit that thing earlier tonight, did it?
That was hours and many drinks ago. I'm sleepy and at least buzzing. If you can hit that thang without too much effort from me, I am so there. If not, sleep tight sweetie, happy to have you home.