2005-12-22 - 11:11 a.m.

Today was going to be a nice entry. I was happy beyond belief to be home and was going to write about how much I�ve taken a shine to Christmas recently. I had it all planned.

Until�

8:00AM: Riiiiiiiiiiiing. We know who it is and ignore it

8:15AM: Riiiiiiiiiiiing. We�re certain who it is and, again, we ignore it

8:17AM: I check the message. Oh shit

�Hon. It was my mother. She needs you to call her right away�says it�s important. But she�s got that sound in her voice when she feels it necessary to call us at 8:00 to tell us one of the dogs just shit�

8:20AM: Riiiiiiiiiiiing. I pick up. Big mistake

Oh�that�s what it sounds like when people all over the place suddenly shut their browsers. Interesting�

�Oh hi.� (She always says that. It�s like she�s surprised to hear you on the other end of the phone. She did dial the number that corresponds to you, not a random assemblage of digits, but she�s surprised none the less)

�(Voice full of despair) Hello�

I really should tell JewelrySlut this�

What

Do you want to come up here on Saturday and then go home on Monday?

WHAT! NO! I already told you there was never the remotest chance in hell that we were driving there and the airfare is a ton of money this late in the week.

It�s only $750 for the 3 of you and I bought the tickets?

WHAT! Have you met me? I�m your son. The son of NoGoodFather. Do you want me anywhere near EWR on Christmas Eve?

It won�t be crowded.

WHAT! NO! What are you thinking?
Well, I know how upset everyone is about not spending Christmas together

(to self�Who is upset? Not us�)
What the hell does that mean? Who�s upset? We�re not going to do this shit again? I�m not in the mood. What, is Dad upset?

No�no one�s upset. Why are you making more out of this?

Because you just said that �we all� are upset about this holiday. We are not. If anything, JewelrySlut is upset that her father is alone in FLA. We�re not going there because of my knee. So, it�s really unfair of you to do this. If we can�t see him because I shouldn�t travel, how can we go see you?

Well, things change. Situations change.

Dad doesn�t know about this, does he?

No.

Great. This is really unfair. I�ll have JewelrySlut call you later. Bye.

End of conversation�

I trudge upstairs. �Hon. Guess who? Yea�she bought 3 tickets for Saturday�

�$%YN($JYU(@%^(JUY#B%JU(B(#^&@(U$%(#$J� (At this moment, JewelrySlut had a stroke, a heart attack, an aneurism and some sort of fit which involved her head turning around in circles)

�Yea�my thoughts exactly�

So, here we are. She (my mother) doesn�t want to spend the holidays at home because she and my father still don�t like each other and because SecretAgentBrother is crabby and depressed over the whole �My wife left me for another man� thing. So, what�s the cure? Fly the 3 of them up. Never mind that one of them is 3 and another one acts like a 2 year old. Use the money that you have to buy tickets and comfort.

Now, we told her to come here. After we realized that we were not going to FLA, we told them to come here. They said no. They don�t want to travel and my father doesn�t seem to want to come here ever. (We have no clue what that�s all about). So, because they�re miserable, we have to join them? Yup, that�s how it works.

Let�s now plan this out like we were going:
RDU is warning people that it�s going to be a Class 1 Disaster Zone this week. Having been there on Monday, I can believe them. We�d need to get there over 2 hours early. I�ve seen the security lines in July. I can�t imagine them on Saturday. I talked last time about the baggage situation. Not good.

So, we�d try to fly with only carry ons.

BUZZ! Can�t do that. Why not? Because, if nothing else, we have to fly with the car seat and it needs to be checked. Then, we also have the little issue of ALL THE GIFTS ARE HERE! So, we�re going to pack up all the gifts to fly them to NJ. Because the wee one is hella ready for Santa. She�s got the tree all decorated and is psyched. Santa Claus is coming to town and town is Raleigh. So, we�d now be traveling like an expeditionary force�.to Newark�on Christmas Eve�with me�

Nope.

My mother does not try to be manipulative. It would be easier to handle if she did. No, she�s just not bright and doesn�t think about how her crazed ideas impact other people. All she knows is that she�s unhappy.
She doesn�t want to be.
What will make her happy?
Shmuppie will.
Shmuppie is in NC.
Bring Shmuppie to NJ.
Then she won�t be unhappy.
Damn the fact that Shmuppie�s family doesn�t want to travel and that her husband knows nothing of this and will SHIT when he finds out.
She has money. She can spend it. She can buy us tickets.

I swear. One call and I could ruin their lives. All I need to do is dial my father�s cell phone and it�s over for them. They will be under separate roofs by 8:00 tonight. I can get them a divorce for Christmas. One call.

So, now where are we?

I�m pissed beyond belief. I�m still shaking over this and it�s been 2 hours.

JewelrySlut has cried about this.

The 2 of us are sniping at each other.

Thanks Mom. You fucked our holidays yet again. We�re going to have to deal with this for a while. JewelrySlut still owes her a call. Then, they can go at it.

It would be less bad if the call was �Hi. We�re coming on Saturday�flight so and so. Pick us up�

But know, that would inconvenience THEM.

I�m so pissed.

I know I must sound like a whining bitch. But, we have to go through this every year. Just 2 nights ago, Chika was asking me about our holiday plans and I told her about how we always have to fight with them over where we�re going to be and with whom once we�re there. But, this year was different. We were here in NC and they could no longer bother us and bring us down.

Not happening.

And, don�t start in on me with �They are family and that�s what the holidays are about� No. I know how this will go:
My brother�s cranky and depressed.
My father�s pissed and unhappy.
The 2 of them will go sulk in corners of the house
My mother will cook a series of terrible meals.
Nobody will talk to each other.
I will drink too much.
JewelrySlut will be forced to try to rein me in at all times because I�ll be one small step from losing my mind and opening my mouth.

Yea�Merry fucking Christmas, folks.

I don�t want to deal with this. I want to be in my new house. I want to be with people who I happen to want to be with. I want to see Shmuppie when she comes down to the basement on Christmas Morning and sees that Santa has visited. I want to celebrate our new lives in our new home. That�s what I want for Christmas. I don�t want anything else. I got all I could ever want this year back in June.

This is going to play itself out very interestingly. I can�t wait.

And�I just checked flights. SecretAgentBrother can fly here for under $200. However, the 2 of them can�t get here for under $700 each. I have no idea where she got those fares for us.

And to think: I was in a good mood until 8:00 this morning.

Maybe tomorrow I can write something nice. Like how WarCryGirl send me a new nutsack.