There is no glamour left in business travel. Not that I think there ever was�but you�ve all seen the pictures from the 50�s where stylish ladies and gentlemen jet off across the country to �Close the big deal�.
This trip was not one of those:
Monday
4:15 AM: Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. Time to wake up. I dragass to the bathroom and get showered and into my knee brace. I have a 6:22 flight from RDU and want to allow time for the inevitable hard time in security.
5:10 AM: Arrive RDU and see that the US Air counter is mobbed. Folks, they let you print your boarding pass at home these days. They even let you print them if you have luggage to check. You scan the [ass and a nice man comes and takes your bags. I�d advise you do that next time. I hobble past and head off to security. The line�s kinda long, so I have time to get my coat off, get the shoes off, get the laptop out of the bag, grab my pass and passport and prepare for the worst.
As I am about to go through the metal detector, I let them know that I have on a knee brace that contains metal. The shoo me through and the bells start ringing. I�m brusquely pushed to the side to a chair. I explain, again, that I have on a knee brace. I roll up my pants leg to show off some knee porn.
�Sir, you need to take the brace off�
�I can�t�
�We need you to take the brace off�
�Then my pants are coming off.�
�You don�t need to take the brace off�
They wipe me down to make sure I�m not explosive and then get wanded and patted down. The shitbird, knowing I have a brace on my knee, goes out of his way to punch me in the knee 3 times. That was awesome! I finally get through, gather my shit, and hobble off.
Now, RDU isn�t that bog of an airport, but it�s long. And, Northwest has its gates at the end of the line. So, I had to walk easily a third of a mile to get to the gate. Mr. Knee didn�t like this. I finally arrive at the gate and slump into a chair.
We board and the usual chaos ensues. I�m seated in Row 7 on the aisle. I get to my row, put my bag in the overhead and wrestle the laptop bag under the seat. Then they come. The first HBL (Huge Black Lady (sorry to need to make race an issue, but it�s important)) comes to my row and gives me that look of �Whiteboy, you�d better be moving your graymeat ass right now(head from side to side)� I move and let her sit in the window seat. Her companion stares at me. She stares at the pass. She stares at her friend. She stares at the little number �7� on our row. This goes on for 2 minutes until she realizes that she�s in Row 9. I sit. Then, here comes the Family. Mom, Dad, toddler, infant. I feel Dad�s pain. They�re scattered throughout the plane. They ask HBL to take an exit row and tell me I�m headed to the back of the plane. Um�no. I ended up in a bulkhead seat. That was good.
8:00 AM: We�re on approach and it�s still dark. What I can see s flat and white. Shit, I�m in Siberia!
8:10: Debark plane. FUCK IT�S COLD!
An hour later, my folks from NJ arrived and we all went to Westland, MI. The trip was to proof out some very �very�very�large print jobs (Ahem�Medicare D stuff). Essentially, I sat there and did nothing. It was cold. I whined. It was cold. I only volunteered to go because the vendor has expressed interest in hiring me. Plus, a Director from The Ivory Tower was there and he, too, has expressed interest in hiring me. This was to be a 2-day interview. We left the plant at 8:30 and went to dinner�more interviewing for me. I finally got to the hotel at 11:15. My knee was sore and I was beat.
Did I mention the cold?
Tuesday
7:00 AM: Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep. Time to wake up and pray I can bend my knee. I could, and got dressed and headed downstairs. Back to the plant for another day of doing nothing. I was checking pdf proofs against our mainframe data. I could do that from St John if I wanted. All I�d need is a VPN connection�
Of course, all day, Someone is emailing me all day telling me about all the lovely things she has planned for us.
6:00 PM: Date time. My cohorts are off to DTW and I have a hot date with an older woman.
She�s really short, folks. Like a midget.
She�s also nervous.
That was cute. She holds out her hand and I give her a big hug. Did I mention that she was nervous? But�oh so cute about it. (Oh..she�s going to kill me)
We went to a nice local Italian place. As soon as we walked in the door, I spotted our table�right in the draft-path of the door. Typical. The waitress only fouled up one of my drink orders. Typical. I also had to fight to pick up the tab. Having read Waiter Rant, I knew to ask to split the check BEFORE we ordered. I had to expense my half of the bill. I was a good boy and tipped well.
Oh�we talked about everybody. Honestly, we hate all of you. We do. I mean it. As Chika said, the conversation flowed easily. It�s really funny when you meet a �friend� for the first time. Since we all read each other, we all know a little bit about each other, and all seem to have the same puerile sense of humor or a pre-pubescent boy. We kept each other in stitches.
I excused myself to check my flight and saw I was delayed about a half hour. So, we chatted some more and headed to DTW.
Folks, this is where it got HOT.
Chika took me in the back door to DTW. Sweet. That�s right. I got back door action on the first date. Am I smoove with the older ladies or what? That�s right, WarCryGirl, I may have seen your undies, but I got back door action last night. Top that!
After I was done with Chika, I gave her a peck on the cheek and headed into DTW. I no longer had any use for her. Not a bed evening. All I had to do was buy her a Caesar salad and 2 non-beers and I got back door. Awe-to-the-some.
I got through security with the same cavity search. I had a wee bit of a buzz going from the wine and recently-completed back door action, so I didn�t mind.
Off to Gate 72.
Whoops�I mean gate 68.
No wait�make that Gate 57.
FUCK!
We�re delayed. Our 9:19 that was taking off at 9:45 is now taking off whenever they damn well please.
We boarded a little after 10:00.
And sat.
I was in a bulkhead again�but was next to HFCW (Huge Fat Canadian Woman). HFCW would not shut up. She also smelled bad and was lapping over the armrest into my seat.
10:30�
11:00�
11:30�
12:00�
Take off!
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During this delay, HFCW never shut up. I wanted to kill myself. I was tired and achy and this slob kept saying things like �Who would pay $300 for a robotic vacuum?� (She was looking at the SkyMall catalog.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We got to RDU at 1:00 this morning.
I trudge back across the expanse or Terminal A to the parking garage. I�m fumbling for my keys when I feel something rubbery.
Wha?
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I have Chika�s car keys!
Here�s what goes through my mind:
Ohmygod. Ohmygod. Ohmygod. How in fuck is she going to get home? Oh fuck. Oh fuck�.How can I get her keys sent to her? Oh Fuck.
All the while, the 2 other people in the elevator are asking me to hit buttons and all I can do is stare at the keys.
Finally I muttered �These are my friend�s car keys. She�s in Detroit�
Then it hit me.
Ummm�asshole�she drove you to the airport in her car. You must have a spare set. I had taken them to go to the car to get my flight number when I checked my flight. I never gave them back. I was very tired.
I got home at 1:30 and fell asleep at about 2:00.
I�d been out of the house for 46 hours and had gotten about 6 hours of fitfull sleep in that time.
But, I also scored 2 good job leads and made a new friend.
We took pics, but I�m too lazy right now.
It was fun. I always thought people who made friends on line were weird or crazy. I was right. We are. But, I like meeting my D-Land buddies. It�s a lot of fun and I want to have a chance to meet a lot more of you. Who knows where my travels will take me.
Houston?
LA?
The Bay Area?
Boston?
Phoenix?
I�ll never go to Kansas, so forget about it.
Who knows? But, if I�m coming to where you live, I expect to meet up with you. I expect to be entertained. I expect to laugh. I expect some back door action.
If Chika can do it, you can too.
I need to go take a nap now.