2005-12-13 - 1:51 p.m.

Good news for me.

Bad news for you losers.

I went to the doctor again for the pre-surgery checkup. We looked at the MRIs and�no surgery needed! While I have all the signs and symptoms of an MCL strain and meniscus tear, I don�t have it. More likely, my patella (kneecap) dislocated a little bit. I have a big honkin bruise on the lateral condyle of my femur. In English you ask? OK�at the bottom of your thigh bone, you have to knobby things�condyles. The lateral (outside) one on my left leg likely got hit my my patella (kneecap). So, the banging bruised the end of the femur. That explains why it�s been sore. I figured it was sore just because I�ve been walking all funny-like for a while now. No�it�s got a big bruise on it. That�s why it hurts like hell. The medial side is all stretched out from having the kneecap slip away. So, it�s time for physical therapy now.

Here are some pictures of my bruised femur:

**Please note that I do not have big arrows like the ones shown in my knee. Then, I�d be all kinds of fucked**

Tasty, no?

As a result, what follows is largely irrelevant. However, I went to the time to make up my Last Diaryland Will and Testament yesterday, so I might as well post it.

Here it is:

So, we have to pretend that JewelrySlut won�t mind that all the shit in the house will be gone after you scavengers come for your stuff:

Should I die on Thursday, here�s who gets what:

Pimp gets all my Buffett shit and my leftover points from Jenkinson�s

Wombat gets my job. I know how much he would love to work for HealthCareRelatedCompany again.

Feyg gets all my Hawaiian shirts, providing he never tucks them in.

Kristin actually gets nothing because she�s too cool for everything I own. I just wanted to give her some props before I die.

Rachelle gets a swampon

Woof and Woof get the cats. Ours have 4 legs each, so the Pecan-eatin� Texans may need to make modifications to have them fit in at their House of Misshapen Pets.

HOAR gets all our mp3 files, especially those by Air Supply. She also gets anything I may own that ties back to the 80�s. One thing she does not get is laid.

My Aussie Pals get my unused Delta SkyMiles. Maybe they can use them to come over to this side of the planet for the funeral or just to go on vacation. What will I care?

Meany gets my car. She�ll need it to go on her 50-state bender after she gets back here from Iraq. She also gets first dibs at the wine/liquor rack. She deserves it. Do I see YOU defending the right of every Iraqi to read made up news stories? Didn�t think so.

Clarity gets all the nice hand towels. Her new house back on this side of the pond needs to be as nice as her blog.

Clippy gets a guest entry from me before I expire. If I don�t get to it in time, feel free to copy any old entry and paste it into your place.

NerdLips gets all my maps, almanacs and other nerdy things like all my Star Wars VHS tapes and DVDs. Dude, I have an Atari that still works!

The Waiter gets 25% of all the donations made to whatever lame-ass charity I decide to set up in my honor

WarCryGirl and XquzeMe get to fight over my track pants, ucky t shirts and hats. They seem to be a little too interested in what I�m wearing while I work. They can have it. XquzeMe would have gotten my tickets to St. Thomas for next summer, but I mistakenly willed them to Loopy last week. Boy, that�s not going to be pleasant to watch. My money�s on Xqueze me to choke the life out of Loopy to get her hands on the tickets.

Smed gets to rifle through my CDs and make fun of how bland they are.

Dangerspouse is a lazy fuck and doesn�t deserve anything, but he did mention my kid on the radio so I guess he can have anything he wants out of the kitchen.

Nightmare gets all the rubbers and porn he can get his hands on. Of course, he�ll have to fight DK for them. She also gets to baby sit Shmuppie on alternating Saturdays and gets all my books.

Pete gets anything I own that is Red (except for the car). He is also allowed to burn, piss on, or shred anything that is Blue.

Then there are all the little red dots on my map thing below. I don�t know who the fuck most of you are. Like, the people from anywhere in Asia, the 2 in New Zealand, and those way the hell up in Canada. Just stop by the house and take whatever�s not nailed down. I really appreciate that you read me and nothing is cooler than a new dot on the map�even though you don�t love me enough to comment.

If I left you off the list, it�s because I honestly hate you. If that were not the case, you�d be listed.

Do I mean that? It�s up to you to figure out. I�ll be dead and will no longer care.

Lastly, The Porcine One gets a thank you. Without your Album list, I wouldn�t have met all those losers er�I mean friends listed above.

I�ll be waiting for you all on the Other Side.