2005-11-03 - 2:34 p.m.

Some of you out there say you don�t want the job. Others may have it and might not want it. Then, there�s a group who don�t have the job but desperately want it.

I have it. I learned, rather had reinforced to me yesterday, the job is never the same and you MUST expect the unexpected.

What job is this?

Parenting.

Yup�it�s a doozy from time to time.

Lately, Shmuppie�s been behaving quite badly. She refuses to listen, has taken to trying to throw things at us, isn�t sleeping well, and is generally just being awful. She�s also sick. We blame that a little bit. Oh�and for fun, she�s regressed big time on the potty training front. We go all over the place these days. (More on that to come)

So yesterday, we had a plumber/carpenter guy installing the new sinks and vanities up here. Well, I could hear from downstairs that someone was not behaving at all. It wasn�t funny, but it kinda was; see, JewelrySlut had to use the whole �I�m going to yell at you through clenched teeth because we have a total stranger in the house and if he weren�t here I�d so kill you right now� voice. You know the one I mean, don�t you? This went on all day. The kid was not being good. Finally, JewelrySlut was able to escape. She had an appointment to get her hairs did. I was on the phone for work, so she plopped Shmuppie in front of the TV. The plan was for me to get off work (I said get off�) at 5 and go to Home Depot with the kid to buy supplies to finish off her bathroom.

Well, I got off the phone at (said it again) 5:00, grabbed a sweater, and called to Shmuppie to get ready to go. I went downstairs and saw this.

Now that shit melts your heart. I covered her in my sweater and went back upstairs. After repeatedly wanting to kill her for most of the past week, I again remembered what a joy it is to be a Daddy, NoGood or not.

I did some more work and at about 5:45 it hit me: SHIT! She�s likely to piss herself in her sleep. Gotta get downstairs right away!

I went down and she (went down�hehehe) was just waking up. I checked and she was dry so I told her to come upstairs and go potty. I came back up here (came�) and waited� I heard the TV click on.

�Shmuppie, turn off the TV and come upstairs so we can go potty�
�nothing�
�Babe, come upstairs please, it�s potty time�
�nothing�
�Shmuppie! NOW!�
So, I went into her bathroom to set it up for her and heard her start up the stairs.

She got in the bathroom and promptly announced that her pants were wet.

There goes the calm of the previous 45 minutes.

WHAT!

She was soaked. Like when you wake up and have to pee realbad. I looked downstairs and saw a puddle on the living room carpet. The kid had fucked around downstairs for too long and had pissed everywhere. Stop laughing, Andria it�s not funny.

I got all up in Shmuppie�s grill and bellowed:
What did you do?
I went peepees on the floor
WHY!
Because I did. **See�this is one of her tricks. Ask her why she did �X� and she responds �because I did�. It�s a kinda philosophical answer, isn�t it?

I TOLD YOU TO COME UPSTAIRS, DIDN�T I?
(tears)
DIDN�T I?
(meekly) yes

At this point, I generally lost my fucking mind and went downstairs to clean up piss.

So�never the same thing from one minute to the next.

Another example�this one in real time.

JewelrySlut just walked in the room holding a pair of Big Girl Underpants.

What are those for? Did she just piss herself?
Yup.
I just had her on the fucking toilet and she didn�t go! She just pissed!
Yup.
What the fuck? Is this fucking kid ever going to be potty trained?
I dunno (At this point, my lovely wife looks to be contemplating crying. This is beyond frustrating)
SHMUPPIE! GET UP HERE!

Where are your underpants?
They�re gone (true...)
Why?
Because they are.
Did you go peepees in your pants?
Yes
Why?
Because I did.

I quit. I give up. Someone get me a drink. Can I offer anyone a kid? We need like 2 weeks away from her. Anyone? I�ll pay you $500 to take her for 2 weeks. You do, however, have to clothe, bathe and feed her. You may not tie her to a post in the backyard and throw kibble at her.

We figured that if ChurchBomber had come up last weekend, we were going to offer her $1000 to take the kid until Thanksgiving. We factored in the cost of daycare into that number. We would have done it.

So�moving on�

I have a new favorite website, and I�m quite certain that my dork-in-arms TX18366 will like this. There are no maps, but it�s cool never the less.

I present Airline Meals! There are pictures of airline meals from all over the place. Wanna know what they serve on Air Botswana? Go there and find out. This site has already amused me for hours.

I was IM�ing WarCryGirl this morning and we were looking for sandwiches that most looked like dicks. It�s a fun game. While we were IMing, WarCry happened to be chatting up chikeetabanana. WCG asked if I wanted Cheeka�s IM address so I, too, could chat. I told her, no, I preferred using her as an intermediary. At the time it seemed funny. The 2 of them were playing �So�what are you wearing?� with me. Kinda made me feel funny in my privates. I mean�come on, they�re both OLD. Oh SNAP!

I think I�ll post some Halloween pics now. I�d like to be cheered up a little bit.

She went as JoJo the clown from Playhouse Disney

I wonder how long it will be until I�m ready to kill the kid�

I do love her to death though. Being a parent is A-OK