2005-11-02 - 3:51 p.m.

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Wow�an amazing response to my last entry. I feel so loved. Or not.

Good to see that the Gutter Gourmands who read me took nothing from my offerings of recipes. As a result, I�ll keep doing this on a somewhat regular basis because it�s clear that nobody cares.

Yesterday was an adventure. Whatever hit me hit me HARD. I was on the toidy all day and most of the night. My poor ass was all chapped. I thought I was going to cry at a few points. But, today, it�s all gone. Very odd.

I love that little map thing I have on my page. Of course, I�m a loser who loves all things map-related. Here�s a reason why the map was awesome.

Recently, Clarity was added to my faves list. She commented that she was shocked to see me appear on her list because she�d been secretly reading me for a while. Well�I�m looking at the map and saying to myself��Self�who lives in Germany? Hmmmm�Oh yea, that Clarity gal. I need to add her�. See�maps are awesome.

So, the point of this entry. I need to clarify something about my beloved wife, JewelrySlut. WarCryGirl�s and The Artist Formerly Known as XquzeMe both thought my lovely wife was a slut for jewelry. Like, one of those wives who won�t put out unless there�s diamonds involved. I mean, she�s not Jewish or anything (HiiiOh!). No, not at all.

I mentioned way in the way back that before she became an unemployed child-beating drunk, she used to work for LittleBlueBoxCompany. Put your thinking caps on, folks. What comes in a little blue box that makes women spread their legs? Who�s the company behind those little blue boxes?

That�s who she worked for. You�re talking to the husband of their former Senior Chemist in the Merchandise Testing Lab.

And, she loves cock�hence the slut part.

Here�s one of her stories from her old job:

Her lab was kinda walled off from the main distribution warehouse. One day, a little warehouse dude came to her (she doesn�t know why) with a ring that was being returned. He didn�t know where to go with it, so he sought out JewelrySlut. He was mumbling something about the ring and how it was a return from the Beverly Hills store and how the owner�s name was S Osborne. Well, JewelrySlut nearly shit her pants. In her hands was Sharon Osborne�s 2nd wedding ring; the one that Ozzy gave to her on the show when they got re-married/renewed vows. Apparently, she didn�t like it and returned it. 7 figures for the ring, folks. 7 figures to the LEFT of the decimal point. Must be nice, eh? She�s also put on rings and earrings that cost more than most of your houses. Again, must be nice. So, our house is decorated in LittleBlueBox rejects. She used to be able to get her hands on stuff for like $.01 on the dollar. She�s got some rings and bracelets. We only drink out of wine glasses supplied by LittleBlueBoxCompany.

So that�s the story. Yes, she is a slut; addicted to sex, but she�s not a hound for jewels. In fact, she doesn�t have much because she wasn�t allowed to wear anything but a wedding ring to work for all those years. We figured that we could spend the money more wisely on things like rum. But, she is fun to shop for jewelry with. She�s got all these little symbols and letters after her name that mean �Don�t fuck with me, Bozo. I know my shit�. So, when you�re in Raleigh and want to go buy some earrings, look her up and we can do our good cop /bad cop routine on the salesperson. It works pretty well.

We�re one step closer to housing nirvana. Today, we had a new sink and vanity put in Shmuppie�s bathroom. I just need to do a little tiling and then paint the walls and we�ll be sweet in there. We had the sink put in our bathroom to replace the horrid looking thing in there and our bathroom is now way better. By next Wednesday, the basement will be done and I can return to my cave. Woohoo!

I�m trying to think if anything else of interest has happened to us lately. I don�t think so. Life has become boring as hell and we couldn�t be happier.

The next major event for us is Thanksgiving. We�ll be having 5 extra adults and one kid in the house. I should be in my glory. Before we got married, I never really appreciated Thanksgiving. JewelrySlut�s family always loved it. I never got into it because my mother always managed to fuck it up. Thanksgiving was awful. I had dinner with JewelrySlut�s family a few times and got into it. Then I started cooking it myself and took it to 11. I now refuse to go anywhere for Thanksgiving. You want to see me? You�re coming to me. I ain�t going to you. As far as I�m concerned, nobody can do it half as well as I can. I have nailed all my recipes and put on a show. Then, when it�s all done, I tend to get roaringly drunk. That�s always fun. Last year was just us 3, ChurchBomber and MerlotMan (wondering about her name, ain�t you??? WarCry knows her story�). I can�t remember how much we drank, but the next day was rough. This year should be just as fun. The basement will be finished, the weather will be nice, and we intend to have a blast and a half. I�m taking reservations for 2006, so let me know.

One more thing before I mercifully go:

Let�s talk about Rutgers. What�s a Rutgers, you ask? It�s what people in New Jersey call �University of New Jersey�. But since those are words never meant to be used in that sequence, they call the state university Rutgers. Why do I mention them? Because, for the first time since my freshman year (1992), the football team will have a winning season. You have no idea how huge this is. The RU football team has been so unbelievably shitty for 13 years that I can�t believe it. Now, they�re poised to go to a bowl game. Am I excited? You bet your ass I am. I�ve been waiting for ever to have a reason to cheer for my stupid Alma Mater. I may have one now. Plus, they may be going to a bowl game in Charlotte, NC. Dude, I am SO there if they play in that game. Why did I take the time to tell you all this? I have no clue. I think it�s because I�m an idiot.

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