Can we put out an APB? That�s what they call them, right? Like when you�re looking for someone or something that was stolen??? Right?
I was robbed.
I found out at about 6:50 this morning that I�d been robbed. Not good.
It seems that in the time since February 1992, someone stole my arms, most of my legs and my lungs. I would like them kindly returned to me.
Wha?
Let me explain.
No, there is no time.
Let me sum up.
I mentioned that we�d joined our local YMCA, right? So, I hadn�t been yet. I was either back up in NJ or recovering from blowing my back out again in FloodGate2005. I was going to start yesterday, but it was cold and BED was warm. JewelrySlut and Shmuppie are trying to get on a schedule to go, so I was mad at myself.
This morning, I got up at the un-godly hour of 6:30 (Before you all stone me, you�d never wake up any time before 8 if you worked at home too) and drove to the Y.
I was going to hit the pool and try to un-flab myself. I won�t even get on a scale, because I�m afraid to see what it would tell me. I�ll know when I�ve lost some weight. I�ll be able to feel it in how my clothes fit. I chose swimming because, back in the day, I was a swimmer. I swam in high school, and was quite good. I know how good of exercise swimming can be, so in I went.
Oh Boy.
After my first 100, felt OK (for the uninitiated, a 100 is 4 laps (or lengths)). After the 5th, I thought I was going to die. Now, I used to race the 500 and could do it in a little over 5 minutes. I was pulling just under 2 minutes per 100. I used to be able to do 2 of them in that time. It was not good. I grabbed a kickboard and did another 3 100�s. That was a little better. I then did another 2 100�s and promptly had a heart attack and a stroke. Then I came home. Is it lame to say that my arms hurt from just having to hold them up to keyboard level? If it is, call me lame. I�m in pain. And, I�m going back tomorrow.
I learned a few things:
15 years of inactivity is bad for your body
In those 15 years, I discovered alcohol. That also is not good for your body.
I am no longer 17.
I am old.
You apparently need �gear� for swimming. This one blew me away. I showed up with the same ratty towel I�ve used since I was 15 and a pair of goggles. That�s all I had. The other people had bags of shit. Apparently, you need your own kickboard, your own flippers, your own hand paddle things, a pull buoy (a contoured hunk of Styrofoam to put between your thighs for when your only pulling�not kicking), a mesh bag, 2 towels and a water bottle. Oh, and if you�re a guy, you also need to have on a cap and wear those new bicycle short-style swim trunks.
What?
Even back in the day, all I had were flippers. I never donned the Speedo except for meets. You wanted all the drag you could have while practicing. That; and my coach always ordered them 2 sizes too small for maximum discomfort. There was me, whatever remains of my hair flopping around, a regular bathing suit and a pair of goggles. No gear. I love how people feel the need to accessorize everything they do. It�s swimming, folks. It�s not rocket science.
This will be quite an adventure for me. I�d really like to be in better shape and now that I�m paying to belong to the Y, I�m compelled to not waste money.
I haven�t been in a locker room in quite some time. Jesus�do men really need to do that much naked walking? There was old man ballsack everywhere. I wasn�t looking, but it was everywhere. Walk in�BAM�ballsack. Go to your locker�BAM�ballsack. Go to the showers (the thruway to the pool)�BAM�ballsack.
On with the fun.
We painted this past weekend. 3 walls in the office are all primed and ready. The 4th needed some patching of the cement. I did that yesterday. The wall that fell down in the playroom is back up and just needs painting (today and tonight). The ceilings in the office and playroom are painted. The family room is partly primed. We�re doing well. It�s very easy to paint when the floor underneath is just the concrete slab. No mess�no problem. Tonight, we�re touching up the playroom and wrapping it up. The office will get the last priming tomorrow and maybe we�ll paint one of the walls. I bought Oops paint at Home Depot. Ever see that stuff? When they fuck up a color mix, they sell the stuff for $5/gallon. I got a cool shade of blue that�s bound to work somewhere down there. And, no, it�s not AndyFeygBlue or anything. This weekend, we�ll hopefully be able to finish all the painting. The carpet lady comes tonight to let us pick the replacement stuff. We�re almost there.
Unless�we flood again. Which we did on Saturday. It was not bad, but the sight of water in the basement nearly gave me a coronary. They came back and re-snaked the sewer main and, lo and behold, there were pons and pads and shit clogging the works up. Come on�even I know that you�re not supposed to slush that shit. I told the property manager to get it fixed because if this happens after our new carpet is in, I�ll go bonkers. So, yesterday, a huge sewer cleaner truck came in and (pardon the pun) flushed the whole works out in the whole complex.
My mother is coming down on Friday. The cheapo fare was not available again, so she�s paying almost $500 to come down. I told her 3 weeks ago that it would not be available this weekend (there are several homecomings in the area this weekend) and that she should spend the $210 to come down. Did she listen? Nooooooooo. She spent the morning wailing at me about it and I told her �I told you so. But you didn�t listen�. JewelrySlut had told her the same, but she wanted to gamble with the fares. Sorry. You lose. This will not be fun. She�s coming to hang all the draperies and shit she�s been making for us. And to play with Shmuppie. We have to paint, so we barely care. This will be a mess. I can see it now �Boy�the house sure is cute.� �Boy, what an interesting place to live.� JewelrySlut wants to get her drunk so she�ll spill her guts about all their marital woes. I�m going to need lots of alcohol to get through this.
I think I need to go lie down now. I�m so freakin tired and sore that it�s no longer funny. I think I just had another stroke.
Ooh�one more thing: the Minty Rubber Contest is still on.
And, assuming you care and or have read all of this, I went 2-1 in my 3 fantasy football leagues. I�m in 2nd place out of 14 people in one, 5th of 8 in another (ask JewelrySlut who�s tied for first) and 6th out of 12 in the other. Not good enough.