Alright�
Stop the fucking presses because I must have missed a memo.
Seriously, folks, I rely on other people in my life (and you SOBs are on the list) to help fill me in from time to time on things I need to know.
Nobody told me to expect this when we moved
One of these fuckers was in our bathroom last night. The image does not do it justice. Ours was mostly black and the body had to be at least 2-3� long. The antennae were at least the same. JewelrySlut had gone in to pee and I heard her gasp. I had to swat the fucker twice with a magazine to kill it.
I ended up calling an exterminator at 10:15 last night. The nice woman called me this morning and told me, rather matter of factly, that we had an American cockroach in our house and we had nothing to worry about.
Um...hello? Cockroach in my house never means that I don�t have to worry.
NEVER
She went on to explain that those things also fly. I swear, if it had taken to the skies, we would have moved out last night. Apparently, in the South, you have to learn to deal with lots of really big bugs.
�Darlin, I used to live in Florida, and these are nothin� compared to what they have�
eek�
So, they�re coming on Friday to spray our house and stuff.
She tried to convince me that it�s not because we�re dirty. Yea�tell that to my wife. She�s in the process of bleaching the house.
OK�now I find myself sitting down here looking around the room every 3 seconds because I think I hear a bug. I officially have had the willies now for 12 hours.
We had a mostly uneventful weekend here. All 3 of us have colds so we�re duller than usual. This was Shmuppie�s first cold since she�s really able to express how she feels. It�s both sad and funny.
On Friday afternoon, we got her ice cream in celebration of her shit. Saturday morning, we heard her door open and then heard ours shut. That was odd, but then again is Shmuppie. Maybe an hour later, I woke up and she was lying on the floor next to our bed, looking sad. I got her and she was running a fever. We think she�d been just laying there for about an hour. She was all loopy. So, I took her to her bathroom and got her some meds. We plopped her on the couch under a blanket and let her watch TV all morning. On occasion, she�s holler for juice or something. She was cute, but it made us feel bad.
We built a headboard on Saturday morning. It was both fun and easy. We had them cut some MDF for us at Home Depot and then stapled padding and fabric to it. Yay us for being able to do it correctly.
On Sunday, I had to be The Man. And I don�t mean The Man in the sense that I scored me some ho�s or anything. I had to be THE WHITE MAN.
We�re up in the living room and it sounds like WWIII is going on at the pool. I can see who�s down there. There are half a dozen kids who I know don�t live in our complex but like to vault the fence and swim at the pool. We usually just let them because they�re mostly calm. Not on Sunday. I can see that they�re throwing the lounge chairs in the pool and at each other. Then, they decide to start stacking all the chairs up. They plan to scale the clubhouse building to get to the roof. This is not good. I�m having visions of one of them falling and watching my $170 monthly fees go to $17000. I was also disappointed to see 2 of the kids from the neighborhood helping them out. Well, one scales the wall and gets on the roof�to retrieve a tennis ball.
At that point, Shmuppie wants to go swimming and I want to recapture the pool. So, I had to be THE MAN.
I went down, opened the gate and announced in my best White Man of Authority voice that they had to clean up the area, put the chairs back and leave because I was bringing my family down for a swim.
Well, they didn�t like that. They started in by telling me that they didn�t put the chairs in the pool. I said I didn�t care; they�d better go in and get them. They didn�t want to re-set the chairs, but I told them to start unstacking them and to clean the place up because it was time to go. They were none too pleased with me. These were lovely children. They certainly were raised to respect adults and authority.
Right.
Finally, as they�re wrapping up, I looked under the overhang�
The father of the neighborhood kids was there watching the whole spectacle. WTF! How can you just sit there and let this happen? Even if you don�t want to say something to the other kids, how do you let your own kids behave like this in a public pool? I just started at him, slightly aghast. When recalling my tale to one of our other neighbors, she reminded me that he has lupus. Like I fucking care. Unless lupus suddenly affects your ability to reason, there�s no excuse. She agreed with me. What is it with parents? Jesus Christ, folks. Ante the fuck up and start acting responsible.
One of the hoodlum kids lost an earring in the pool. I swam around for a while looking for it. I�m not a mean White Man, just a White Man. I couldn�t find it but offered to keep looking and bring it to him. I asked where he lived and he told me he was at a friend�s house. I asked where the friend lived and he said he didn�t know. Smart kid. It was probably best because the thought of confronting some undoubtedly large, finger waving woman didn�t quite appeal to me if I had to go there to tell her about her son�s propensity for trespassing.
Other than that, life is dull. We�re off to Myrtle Beach in a week so I�m excited about that. Shmuppie should have a ball playing in the pools and in the ocean. There�s also plenty of other ways to be entertained and to spend money.
I have to go now. There�s a locust in here waiting to check his hotmail account.
Oh�one more thing�
Meany needs to email me her address so I can send her swag box.
Seems that we have a 3rd entrant in the �I want Porn Sweepstakes�
Send me your offers�