Before we get to the good stuff, I feel the need to provide an update
The Job: They�re keeping me for at least 3 more months. From what I�m hearing (and what I think), this could go on for another 6-18 months in total. I can not tell you the level of sweetness that this brings. No mortgage, NJ salary. Suh-weet
The Sale: We had a contractor to the house last night and he thinks the buyers and their inspection report are full of shit. He thinks the roof needs maybe $50 worth of work (hammering in loose nails and siliconing them down). He says the siding is fine and the steps are done settling and could maybe use s line of concrete to make them more cosmetically pleasing.
The purchase: Well�nothing going on . The lovely Eleanor keeps telling us it will be OK. We still believe her.
We�re having boxes and packing material delivered today so this weekend should start with the true packing fun.
Now, on to the fun part.
Last night, like flies attracted to a brightly lit pile of shit that happens to look like a train wreck, we watched Hit Me Baby One More Time on NBC. Hoar referenced it in her most recent, but did she keep a running log? I think no. I did. So, with all the respect that he deserves, I post the following in a lame tribute to the immortal Bill Simmons (see link at left)
9:00: We�re here live at the NoGoodHouse. We have wine, a pad and a pen. Let�s go.
9:02: JewelrySlut: Who the fuck is Vernon Kay?
Oh look, CeCe Pendiston�s on. She sings that (singing like a drag queen) �Finally, it�s happening to me� song
I hate Vernon Kay and his accent is fake.
9:02 apparently, Loverboy is long and fulfilling. OK�I�m not sure I want to know
9:04 Me: (Loverboy murdering Everybody�s Working for the Weekend) At least he�s not sweating yet.
JewelrySlut: He�s too fat to move. How could he sweat?
9:06 Me: I hope they bring out all of Arrested Development. There�s like 700 of them. And I certainly hope Mr. Wendell is there.
9:07: (CeCe Pendiston performing) JewelrySlut: She�s doing OK. Then again, the darkies usually do. (She�s on glass of wine #2 at this point).
Wow�I think she ate Paula Abdul
9:14: (Flock of Seagulls performing)
Speechlessness falls over the house at this point. I think I need to learn whatever language Demons speak so I can properly talk about this.
Me: I mean, Jesus Fucking Christ, this is so awful
While this is going on, JewelrySlut is ranting. �Look at the audience. What are they yelling about? Look at how young they are. They have no idea who Flock of Seagulls is.� She�s quite animated at this point
9:17: Arrested Development is on. Too bad that Nadirah Shakoor is not on. I guess she has officially sold her soul to Jimmy and is a true Coral Reefer. I mean, they�re airing this on a Thursday. Maybe they have a show. I�m not sure I�m enjoying this.
Me: No Nadirah, no Mr. Wendell, what the fuck? WAIT!!! Mr. Wendell is there! SWEET!
9:25: tiffany is on. I�ve seen her snatch and I�m not impressed
Me: Is she pregnant?
JewelrySlut: She�s something, alright. I hope she�s pregnant
Me: Jesus, those things are udders? Think she�s got a kid on the tit?
9:27 Me: Wow�she must wax her armpits
JewelrySlut: My thoughts exactly
9:32 Mrs. Hilton now has a show? I guess this proves that people will sell their souls to TV for just about anything
9:33: Oh god�the 2nd acts are next
Oh goodie, we get to see what Loverboy�s been doing for 20 years. If they show anything but them eating Twinkies, they�re lying.
9:34 (Loverboy singing �Hero�)
Me: It�s so damn smoky that you can�t see how bloated they all are
They�re only my heroes if eating gravy is heroic
9:36 �I will stand by you forever�
JewelrySlut: As long as you�re holding cookies
9:38 (I had to pee, so I handed off the paper. This is EXACTLY what�s written)
CeCe Peniston has Pips and 2 of them are Clios.
Ok�let�s chew on that one. It�s a totally inside joke. Actually, it�s only funny if you went to SUNY Geneseo and you�re my wife or her roommate. I guess Clios were some sort of pseudo-sorority. They wore �fuck me� boots everywhere.
I don�t know.
9:40 (Flock of Seagulls is back)
Me: He looks like�what�s his name?...Oh yea! Tony Robbins�you know, the guy with that Flyer thing.
During this, JewelrySlut is making a face like she�s in the process of being butt-raped
9:42 JewelrySlut hates Vernon Kay. How do I know this? I know this because every time he�s on screen she tells me that she hates him. She also can�t determine if his accent is fake, British or Scottish. She�s truly torn up over it
9:48 Arrested Development is back on and I think they�re awesome. They remind me of my freshman year at Rutgers. They played that album everywhere back in 1992-3.
9:49: Well, the voting is coming up soon. The audience votes for whoever they think is best and give money to some charity or something. How bad is it to lose this thing? I think it�s got to be pretty bad. I don�t think they�re going to announce the actual voting results. I mean, would you want to be Loverboy and see that you only got like 12 votes?
9:51: Tiffany�s on again. I think NBC wants her to win. Also, I understand that a woman�s body changes post-baby-birthing. That�s fine. But, you also must learn to dress appropriately as a result. Tiffany looks like the proverbial 50lbs of shit in the proverbial 25lb sack. She�s also singing like I�d imagine said shit would sound.
JewelrySlut is asleep. As a result, she�s no longer being funny. That�s because she�s sleeping. However, she does have a cat�s ass right in her face and she doesn�t know it. So, she�s being funny without knowing it.
9:56: And the winner is�
Yay for them. They did their thing and were cool. They�re money is going to UNICEF for The Sudan and Africa. Their front man, Speech, kinda makes them sound somehow very different. I�m not sure what I can make of his comments.
OH! For fun, we�re getting a 3rd performance�.WHAT?!?! they�re doing Tennessee again? Did they not rehearse anything else? Alright, this officially sucks.
Ok�that was fun.
Another letter (I know this is getting old, but it�s a good excuse to curse and laugh)
Do either of you work? I mean, if you�re not walking outside to grab a smoke, you�re walking back from doing so. If you�re not doing that, you�re walking past me to go to your manager�s office (where you�re interrupting his blowjobs). Here�s a plan. Do some work. Then again, I don�t think you have any work to do. But, that don�t stop you from coming in at 7:30 and staying past 5:00. You go, girls. I guess if you stay here all fucking day, people may be convinced that you�re useful. Does anyone but me and Wombat see this? Are we that smart?
And, I know it�s Friday. I�m wearing a rather festive shirt. But, sweatpants are NEVER good. Especially when you�re a fat fuck. I am sympathetic to the fact that it�s hard to be stylish when you have a body like an elephant, but sweatpants are never good.
Just do me a favor and die.
That�s all folks, enjoy your weekends. And, as always, enjoy the typos.