I have to tell another poop story. Xquzme made me think of this. Not her the person, but her entry. I referred to this in my comment.
So, this past New Year�s we went out to Long Island to see some of JewelrySlut�s family. We love going to see them because it ALWAYS ends in drunken silliness. There�s no way to avoid it. Actually, they were the inspiration for the recent purchase of a cooler and booze for our 3 day stay in North Carolina. They always travel with a mobile liquor store. These are good people to be around.
Her cousin�s husband is merciless. Not in a Ming way, but in a �There�s nothing safe or sacred when you�re around me� kind of way. I mean, the man openly makes fun of me when I stutter. From anyone else, it�s not cool, but from him, it�s expected. If you have a weakness, he will pounce on it. We get along very well. We just pass our time swapping insults and inappropriate comments. The wives get through these times by drinking Korbel. That�s what they drink when together, champagne. By the bucket.
But I digress.
So, we�re out there for New Year�s. There�s a ton of food and merriment. Unfortunately, I was very tired. I was ready for bed at like 8:00. After hearing about how I was a gay ass lazy motherfucking faggot for about an hour or two, I decided to start drinking. Naturally, I started double-fisting Mojitos and Pinot Grigio. That�s smart. By 12, I was fully hammered and wobbling around.
The next morning, I got up early to cook breakfast for everyone. After we ate, the night before decided it didn�t want to be where it was any more. I excused myself to go potty. Well, I shat a mighty shit. This was an amazing volume of shit. I knew there was a lot, just how much was a different story. I should have flushed as I progressed, but I was so happy to be voiding my colon, I kept shitting.
When I flushed, nothing happened. I kinda just stared at the bowl. Then I flushed again.
The bowl started backing up. Then, because I�m a plumbing genius, I flushed again.
Cue the brown waterfall.
I�m standing there in the bathroom as the flood starts. I hurried downstairs only to start hearing it about having been gone for so long. Little did they know.
Um�yea�Marc�come upstairs. Bring some nasty toilets.
Well, that was all their 3 kids needed to hear. They positively flew up the stairs.
EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
I�m mortified. Not because I defiled the bathroom, that�s why god invented bleach. I�m mortified because I know what�s coming.
Well, it took like 25 minutes of plunging and snaking to clear the clog. By now, the foulness had seeped through the floor and was dripping.
On the kitchen table.
Finally, we got done and I set out to clean the mess. Boy was there a mess.
That was several months ago. Now, whenever they call, I can hear him in the background asking how Mr. Shitter is or telling me that he built me an outhouse so I don�t destroy the rest of the house ever again.
Not good times. I will never hear the end of this. It�s not that I don�t deserve it or anything, but did I need to give him anymore ammo? He�s already on me for the whole receding hairline and hairy back thing, now he has this too.
Ok�that was gross, wasn�t it?
Still no word on the house. Things are moving at the speed of government in the south on a holiday weekend. WooHoo.
It�s supposed to be cold and rainy all weekend up here. That should make for a fun kickoff to summer. I anticipate a 2 hour ride home tonight, so I should be all riled up when I finally make it home. On a good note, we are going to get JewelrySlut�s new car tomorrow.
Can I still call her JewelrySlut? Now that she�s leaving LittleBlueBox Company, she will no longer be a JewelrySlut. A slut? Yes. A JewelrySlut? No. Hmmm�what to do. What do you all think? I�ll take suggestions.
Wombat mentioned that there may be a D-Land gathering this summer in Philly? Is that true? Count me in. I�ll be way hella cool and fly in for the afternoon like I�m some sort of rich tycoon-type. For the $50 I�d have to spend for the airfare, it would be worth it. Pencil me in.
Hmm�I think I�m turtleheading.
Gotta go