2005-05-18 - 11:01 a.m.

Everybody posts lists of things about them on their website. One list I never see is "Things you don't like about yourself." List 5 of them.

Hmmm�.what do I not like about myself? Jesus, I don�t know. I�m likely to sound superficial unless I try here.

1: I don�t like that I have a hairy back and even hairier ass. I mean, I can handle the receding hairline, but does it need to manifest itself on my back? Come on�what�s up with that?

2: I tend to think the worst too much. I�ve had a lot of bad luck and tend to always think of the worst.

3: I sweat a lot. Like, I may have a problem. I�m pretty much a mess when it comes to sweating.

4: I can be more than a little ill tempered. I�m not like a Sea bass or anything, but I can get more than a little grouchy/pissed off/whatever you want to call it. I�ve been known, when in such a state, to say really mean things. I did once, while provoked, curse out my parents during a family dinner. That one took a while to get through. Also, once while provoked, I managed to make my father get up from the dinner table and punch me. My parents and I didn�t get along much when I was in high school. Hell, we still don�t. More so my mother.

5: On a related note, I�m not happy about the relationships I have with my family. Too many mean things have been done and said over the past 15 years. I don�t think the wounds will ever heal on several points. That�s a part of why we�re Carolina-bound�to get me away from them. That�s not cool, but it is what it is. I don�t know what sort of idealized family I wish I had, but we should be able to talk without being on eggshells waiting for one of us to start screaming about something. Too many backhanded insults fly around, too much talking to someone through someone else, too much everything. I think what needs to happen is that me, my parents and my brother need to just go at it once and for all, American Gladiator style. We can air all the dirt and hit each other with sticks. I�ve even suggested it, but my mother refuses to sit down and talk about anything. I�m still, and always will be, hurt about how they implied that I broke up their marriage. She refuses to talk about it now and pretends it never happened. I think I�d like things better if that wasn�t the case.

Hey Wombat�thanks for the downer, you asshole

Political correctness; we all know it; we hear tons about it, especially here at Healthcare Related Company. What is the most annoying "politically correct" term or phrase that makes you feel as though miniature evil gnomes are pounding railroad spikes into your cerebral cortex?

Ugh�I hate everything PC. I mean, I really hate it. Having gone to Rutgers, I have good reason to hate it. While I was there, we were named the most diverse/PC/whatever you want to call it campus in America. That�s right�we beat all those fucking schools in California. The place was a mess. Nobody knew what to call anyone. Nearly every day, you had someone threaten to report you for a �bias action�. I hate the word bias. I mean, I really hate it. Nobody knows what it meant, but it was held over all of our heads.

I think we can all agree that the whole PC thing is a product of the extreme Left. Right? I�m not judging, just making a point here. OK�so if everyone�s supposed to be equal and the same, why do PC people insist on labeling and placing people into categories? I always thought that was segregation. So, at Rutgers, we had dorms, clubs, associations, you name it that were so wonderful and PC�but they were exclusionary. There was no mixing of the different races or cultures. In an attempt to show how equal we all were, we all stayed apart. Know why? People are comfortable with similar people. One of my best friends in school was Indian (with a dot, not a feather). Other Indian people didn�t like him because he wasn�t Indian enough. Come on, he was born and raised in NJ, was a Deadhead and loved the Cowboys. He was a typical American kid. But, because he was supposed to represent his people�s struggle, the Indians hated him. I mean; is that what the PC movement is all about?

I�ll even add a joke here:
We�re eating the other night, and Shmuppie�s singing. She�s always singing.

Now that�s comedy. I was thinking of how the song should be now a days:

�One little two little, three little Indigenous People, Native American, Non-female, under age, probably poorly supervised boys�
Rinse�repeat

Diaryland is chock full of blog poetry. Let's hear your take on it.

See, you have to first hold a better grasp of my insanity before I can answer this one. Let�s deviate for a second. Last night, I got home and saw my latest National Geographic on the table. JewelrySlut was cringing.

There was a map.

A glorious map of Europe.

I love maps. I always need to know where I am and where I�m going. If I don�t, I lose my mind. Amazingly, I don�t have a GPS doodad yet. I don�t need one. I am a GPS.

Secondly�it�s not odd at all (if you know me) to be talking to me when I suddenly stare into the sky and go into a trance. I know the flight pattern in and around New York. If I see a plane that �doesn�t belong� I get all trancy. I�ll stare down a plane, get its logo and usually now where it�s going and where it�s coming from. I can tell you how long the delays are at Newark from my front yard. If I see a plane that doesn�t belong, I�ll go log on to Passur. For the sake of all things holy, it has a graphical, java applet showing all the planes in the air within like a 70 mile radius of several airports. I will find the offending plane, ID it, and seek a reason why it is where it is.

Yes, I�m insane.

So, back to the question. You put me on that island with anyone�hot babes, Jimmy Buffett, my family�the first thing I�m doing is figuring out where I am. I�d know. Were I on Lost, I�d know the name of the island they were on. Or at least I think I would. I often am really wrong because I don�t know as much as I think I do. I�d be sitting there on the beach while Starr and Calista played Bump the Donuts or whatever they�d do and I�d be scribbling on the sand, drawing maps, charting wind speeds, flight patterns, etc. Nothing would matter until I knew where I was. Eventually, I�d probably barbeque Starr. I�d bet that with the proper dry rub, she�d be tasty. You could sear her up and seal in a lot of the juices. As for the other one, I�d start every conversation with �So, remember on Ally McBeal when you did�� Eventually, she�d kill herself.

What's the most embarrassing thing you ever did on a date?

See�here�s the thing. I�ve never had a lot of dating experience. I went on 2 dates with this one girl as a junior in high school. She invited me to one of those Sadie Hawkins dances. You know�when the girls ask the boys. Being me, I had no idea she was even remotely interested in me at the time. We went on 2 dates and nothing happened.

From there, I went on to my first real girlfriend. HoseBeast was my first kiss, BJ (receiving end you pigs), love, Sex, all that. I can�t remember any embarrassing dates.

Then I met JewelrySlut and she used her mature feminine wiles (as well as booze) to woo me. We didn�t have many actual dates. Mostly we�d go to the other�s house and dry hump. After that got old (like a week), we just screwed all the time.

Now I have to search my memory banks for embarrassment�OK�here�s one, but it�s not a real date story. Then again, any time your 15 year old girlfriend�s father catches the 2 of you buck ass nekkid and in bed�embarrassment ensues.

So, it�s the start f my senior year. She�s a sophomore. We�d been dating for like 7 months or so. There were a series of half days at the start of the year. This is what fancy private schools do. I guess one can�t expect Todd and Marsha to just jump into a new school year. They need acclimation. So, after school, I�m going to drive her home and then do whatever. We decide that since nobody�s home at her house that whatever should involve taking off our clothes, climbing in bed and rubbing, licking, sucking, prodding. We weren�t sexing yet. So, we�re going at it up in her room and we heard a car in the driveway. This was bad. Within like 10 seconds, her father�s in the doorway. She flies out of the bed to block him from me. I�m standing there, teeny little wiener that I have all erect-like fumbling for clothes. She�s screaming for him not to kill me and I�m shitting myself as I throw on clothes. I manage to get dressed and he and I go downstairs. Well, we had like a 3 hour talk about life the universe and everything. All I was doing was praying not to die. He was, and likely still is, a big guy. He could have killed me. Worse, he could have called my parents. They would have killed me. It may sound extreme, but if they�d found out I think they may have thrown me out of the house. If not, they would have pulled my college funding right there on the spot. This is when, in their minds, sex was evil. They hadn�t realized that kids do what kids do and that it wasn�t the end of the world. I think I got off (not in that sense) because he�d been quite a little rebel in his day. I�d imagine he�d once seen himself in the same setting and was looking, more than anything, to scare the shit out of me. I�d wager he enjoyed himself a little during the whole episode. By the end, we were coolish and we�d all agreed that my parents and her mother never needed to know.

I don�t know if that was more embarrassing or scary. Like I said, that�s all I could think of. I don�t date much.

So, if anyone wants 5 questions, let me know.

Now, I�ve had an idea. Who�s with me?

Oh�I should mention the idea first before we all storm the castle. sorry about that.

I love Japanese things. You name it, I love it. Pocky? Yup. Crazy TV shows? Yup/ Bukkake? Yup. Girls underpants sold in vending machines? Yup.

We�ve all seen Yatta! , haven�t we? It�s genius. So, I propose the following: A TV station that shows all the crazy Japanese shows. No English to be spoken. That makes the game more challenging. You have to figure out what�s going on. I know I�d watch that shit all day long.

That�s all.