2005-04-29 - 10:18 a.m.

This DiaryLand thing is cool. When I started, I figured I might find 2 or 3 people who would feed my ego and read it. Once I learned of the quid pro quo that exists (I�ll post a comment on your site and make you a favorite if you do it for me) things got easier. People flocked to my sight by the ones and I was happy.

I noticed a few people from far flung reaches of the Earth who have come to my site. I have at least 1 Australian (You know who you are.) I love Australia and want to be Australian some day. I need a job where I can take a 3-month vacation so I can go there for a long while. Go read This Book . It�s an awesome book about an awesomely odd (in a good way) place. I mean, there�s town called Tittybong for crigey�s sake!

I have people from New Zealand on my sight. I hope they�re Maori Dudes or something. The thought of a person who expresses himself with his or her tongue is always nice.

Quick story�Back in 1992, JewelrySlut and I met. We were both lifeguards at a summer camp for awful children. I had a HoseBeast girlfriend at the time, but that didn�t stop Little Miss Flirtypants. Picture it, I�m 17 and she�s 21. It�s kinda hard to be an effective lifeguard when�you know...it�s hard. So, we flirted all silly for most of the summer. I can only imagine how pathetic we looked to the rest of the staff. But, they let us have our fun. So�getting to the point�one day I must have made some evil remark. JewelrySlut commented that I sucked. I said �No. I lick and probe.� I then turned and walked away. From what I�ve been told, that was soooo the RIGHT answer. (By the way, the point of that was about the whole tongue expression thing. See how that works?)

So, back to New Zealand. I�d also like to think that maybe it�s the Thompson Twins. I think I remember seeing something on VH-1 or something that they now live in New Zealand. (Since I�m an idiot, I couldn�t think of a Thompson Twins song to sing to myself just there. Instead, I started singing �Everybody wants to rule the world� by those other guys. Was that the video in the library with the saucy librarian-type or am I totally out of my mind?)

Jesus Christ, I�m all over the fucking place this morning.

There�s also been someone from the UK. Tally-ho and Cheerio guvvnah. Do you want some faggots with your mushy peas? If you want to keep reading (whoever you are), I�ll need you to mail be a bottle of HP sauce every 6 months. Not the fruity or Indian kind. Plain old HP sauce. Thanks in advance. Think of it as a Lend Lease for the 21st Century.

I�ve also come to realize something else. At LittleBlueBox company where JewelrySlut works, the Internet Police block some blogs. She can�t get, for example, to The Porkaverse or to PornoBuddie�s site. I�ll guess it�s because they�re somewhat popular and, hence, evil and non-productive. Ever since DangerSpouse linked to me, I�m seeing a lot of hits from his site. And when I say a lot, I mean like 4. So, I reasoned this: He�s in NJ. We live in NJ. JewelrySlut can�t access the site due to its popularity. People she works with must read it. Some of them may know her. Some of them may have linked to me. JewelrySlut�s not sure how she feels about that. So, if you work for LittleBlueBox company, leave my wife alone. You know who she is. She�s the embarrassed one who�s constantly questioning her life decisions.

Moving right along�

So, the NoGoodMother calls the other morning to tell me to drop SecretAgentBrother a note of condolences or something. See, he�s confirmed that NoGoodEx-Sister-In-Law/SecretAgentEx-Siter-In-Law (what do I call her now?) has already got herself setup with another man. She was maybe hooked up before they separated. Now, no matter how you feel, that�s not cool. But, here�s the point of this rambling nonsense. He called the NoGoodMother the other night and opened the phone conversation with �That fucking whore was cheating on me!� My mother told me that, since we sound so much alike on the phone, she didn�t know if it was him or me calling her.

What?

Hello?

I mean, what?

Are we reading too much into this when we deduce the following?
A voice which belongs to one of her sons has called announcing that his �Fucking whore� wife is cheating on him. She had 2 sons. One is divorcing. The other is happily married. They sound NOTHING alike on the phone. She doesn�t know which one the call is from? She thinks it�s possible for JewelrySlut to be cheating on me? What?

I mean, JewelrySlut IS cheating on me. If you look closely at a picture of Shmuppie, you can see that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Patrick Ewing is really her father. I�m OK with that though.

But�what the fuck?

I feel bad for my pal Supermom lately. She�s having babysitting problems. Not good times. We�ve had our share of issues with our sitters, but we worked them out and now everything�s cool with them. Shmuppie goes to a woman�s house near where we both work. There are 2 or 3 illegals working there and maybe 10 or so kids. We love the place. It�s convenient and CHEAP. And when I say cheap, I mean that it�s only $200/week. For those of you with no kids, yes, that is cheap (For NJ anyway). We went to see this one woman when we were looking and she wanted $265 a week in cash. You left the cash on the counter on Monday morning or she wouldn�t take your kid (No handy, no finger up your ass. No nothing.) �Want to leave a check? That will be $320, thank you. Oh, and did I mention that I take off 2 weeks around the holidays? You�ll still pay me for those 2 weeks though. It�s my vacation.�

Excuse me? Fucking highway robbery.

So Shmuppie�s in the other woman�s house. This fall, they started making it more like a preschool. They�re learning letters and numbers. They do colors in English and Spanish. We�re happy with that. Although, we keep hearing that Shmuppie gets bored with them. She already knows all her letters and numbers, so I think the less-cute, more-dumb kids make her mad. She needs to learn that her beauty and intelligence are crosses to be born. I�ve done it and am OK. But, they love her there. Plus, we try to bring in extra things when they have show and tell or for holidays. So, they have extra reason to like us.

Sometimes I wonder why people have kids. For example, I drive Shmuppie to work in the morning. We get there, I unstrap her from her seat and we walk to the house. We hug, kiss and tickle before I leave. It�s a good way to start the working part of my day. Now, there�s this other kid there who�s maybe 4. His father stops at the curb. The kid lets himself out of the truck (no car seat!!!) and walks himself to the door as Dad speeds off.

He just leaves his kid.

One day, it was absolutely pouring. I was with Shmuppie under the umbrella and this poor kid had to walk to the house by himself. It was cold and he was getting soaked. I ended up standing there with my mouth open. It was only after he walked by me that I kicked myself for not going to get the little tyke myself and walking him in. I mean, what�s the sense of having a child if you don�t care enough to walk him or her to the babysitter�s door in the pouring rain? That pisses me off.

In fact, a lot of parents (and other people) piss me off. Were these people ever kids? Or, did they sprout from the Earth as nosy-ass adults?

Memo to idiots: Kids fall down. Kids do stupid things. Kids play with poop. Kids eat bugs. Kids get in fights. You did the same things. Why can�t my kid?

I�m sure there are things that we do that could easily get us locked away. But, know what? Our kid knows how to behave in public and knows what is right and wrong. We haven�t taken her to too many places because it�s not worth the hassle for us and those around us. Don�t take your kid out in public if they�re sick and or tired. It�s not worth the suffering you will impart to others around you. Don�t take your kid to �adult places�. It�s not a cool thing to do. That�s another reason why I <3 Da Pimp. It�s clear that he and Mrs. Pimp believe in the same way of parenting as we do. His kids were wonderfully behaved in a busy public place. We need more people with common sense. That�s all parenting is: Common Sense. There�s no book to teach it. You have to go with what feels right. Know what? When you�re wrong, the kid WILL let you know. That may come in the form of any of the following: crying, shitting, puking, snotting, yelling, stomping or pouting. But, you learn and go on and try to avoid doing that. If you do it right, our kids turn out well.

Now I have to climb off my soapbox.

Know how I write�with the commas and parentheses and whatnot? That�s how I talk. And you wonder why JewelrySlut drinks like she does? She has to manage 2 toddlers at all times.

Love ya babe.

I like how everyone responded to my request for questions and photos.

Assmonkeys� (by the way, someone searched on Ass Monkey and got to me. Sweet. I�m waiting for �ass some sugar�. While you�re at it, google that one on for size for a treat)

I do have a travel challenge or 2 to work on.

Oh�job guy called me yesterday. He�d been out of the office attending to a �personal matter�. My cell phone is on my desk and is poised for action.

Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please Please