2005-04-27 - 2:09 p.m.

OK�I didn�t think I was going to have anything today, but the day just keeps filling up with things worth commenting on.

As usual, the list comes first, the un-funny comments follow
Birthday gift
Airbus
Coffee flavors
WMP Shuffling
Rosie O�Donnell movie
Travel to India
Ordering lunch
Things at work

Birthday Gift: We decided what to get Shmuppie. Thanks for all the suggestions. Andypoo suggested a tattoo and WarCry suggested a light saber. Thanks. That was helpful. No, really, it was. We�ve decided on this:

It looks like hella fun. I don't know where we'll store all the extra kids though. That could make things messy. The friggin thing has a total of 32 feet of tunnels and stuff and shit. We think Shmuppie will like it. Plus, Amazon had it on sale for only $100. Pissah! If the yard ever dries out, she can play outside in it.

Back to the light saber idea. I�d like one. I�m not exactly sure why though. I just think it would be cool. Imagine the uses around the house. Need to open a beer? Light saber. Trim the hedges? Light saber. Wound needs cauterizing? Light saber. I�d also like The Force. I�ll add that I�d be instantly seduced by the Dark Side. I�m a weak minded fool. I�d use it to lift things around the house, get the remote, pleasure myself�you get the idea. Not what Yoda has in mind for proper Force use.

Which reminds me: I�m hopeful about Revenge of the Sith. I think Lucas knows he can�t fuck this one up. I�m a big Star Wars geekazoid. I over-anticipated Phantom Menace and was seriously let down. Clones was better, but not good. This one had better be good. I peeked at some of the script and, assuming it�s right, the movie ends exactly as you�d think it would, with a little twisteroo thrown in for fun.

Airbus: The thing�s too big. I have no problem with a mega airplane. I have problems with loading and unloading it. It takes a half hour to load a 727. How long is that mess going to take? People lose their fucking minds at the airport as it is. We don�t need up to 800 lunatics all in one place at once. Imagine if Southwest had those things. Now that would be funny as hell. I like traveling, it�s just the whole traveling thing that bothers me. I�ve seen people do some very strange things in airports and on airplanes. We don�t need to put that many people all in one place.

Coffee Flavors: I mentioned that we have a new fancypants coffee machine. The flavors available are as listed:
Jet Fuel
Rocket Fuel
Piss
Kerosene
Awful
Toxic Waste
and�my favorite (this one is real) Torrefaction. Anyone else just get an image of Joe Torre, Don Zimmer, and Mel Stotlemeyer? I know I did. I don�t want that flavor of coffee.

WMP Shuffling: I have a bunch of songs here at work. It�s about 8 hours worth I think. I pop them all on in the morning and tell Windows Media Player to shuffle them. Why is it that I hear the same 10 songs over and over again? This is pissing me off. A little help here?

Rosie O�Donnell Movie: Saw an ad last night for some Hallmark made for TV piece of shit in which Rosie plays a retard. It�s called something like �Riding the bus with my sister�. Some other broad is in it. Do I need to make the joke? I will anyway:
Shouldn�t it be called: �Riding the short bus with my sister�

Thanks, I�ll be here all week. Try the veal.

Travel to India: We love, heart and <3 The Amazing Race. It kicks ass. The fact that Rob and Ambuh are on it this season makes it even gooder. However, I don�t know if I could be on it. There�s not enough money on all of Earth to get me to India. Name a country�any country. I�d rather go there than India. I can�t imagine how bad it smells. We used to have a pack of Indians (with a dot, not a feather) living in the apartment under us. We�d have to open the door, hold our breath, and bolt up the stairs every time we came home because it stunk so badly. Now multiply that by a billion. No thanks. Not for me at all.

Ordering lunch: Word of advice: If you�re fat, please do not start ordering lunch at 8:54AM and then, at 9:00AM, start talking about the diet you need to start. You�re fat because you eat all day, not because you�re not on a diet. You�re fat because you eat crappy food and are lazy. It�s not anyone else�s fault but your own. Please never make me have to listen to you say how it sucks to be fat while you�re eating candy at 9:05AM. Please. Stop. Now.

Things at Work
�An M3 is something that tracks metrics that are wrapped around the processes� (Pronounced pros-uh-seees) Ah�another astounding example of someone saying words that sound like they make sense but actually say nothing at all.

�Speak to it� �Speak to the process� How does one speak to a process? Do you have to be careful, lest you hurt its feelings? Can you yell at it? Should you?

CC yourself on email: Hello, assface, if you look in your Sent Mail folder, you�ll see a neat little copy of the message RIGHT THERE! Jesus Christ, email is a mess. People should all be trained how to use it and their computers. There�s lot of people who have no clue. I�ve always ended up becoming my company/department�s unofficial IT guy. I once had a boss who swore he needed a new motherboard. His computer wouldn�t stat up and, naturally, it was the motherboard. I looked at it, knelt down, plugged the computer in, and left.

Voicemail messages: I understand that some people update their message everyday. But, do you need to do it while driving in a rain storm so it sounds like:
�MMFFMMFFGFGFWednesdayMMMFMMMFMFFofficeMMFMFMFMFMFmeetings all day�

So, I�m on a conference call earlier. Someone wants me to print letters to go to people that list all their prescriptions received over a time period. It�s very straightforward. Send me the letter template and the data and I handle the rest. Or so I thought. As you could guess, privacy is very important when dealing with stuff like this. However, not everyone understands privacy.
�NoGoodDaddy, do you need names and addresses in the data file�
�Well, if you want it to mail, that might help� (That�s exactly what I said)
�Well, I don�t understand the mail process� You don�t? Have you ever sent anyone else mail? Did you address the envelope? Same thing here, Sweetie.

�NoGoodDaddy, we can�t put the member�s name on the back of the letter where the Rx list is. That�s a privacy issue.�
�OK�whatever you want works for me.� Now, let�s go over that first line. You�re sending ME a letter in which you�re listing prescriptions that I have received. You can�t put my name above the list because it�s a privacy issue? So, you�re worried that, in a letter addressed to ME, I may see a list of prescriptions that were sent to ME? Ok�

�I need the data formatted in a certain way�
�We can�t do that�
�Ok�send it the way you can and I can get it reformatted�
�You can�t reformat the data. That�s against Good Practices�
�But we have to reformat the data so it can be used. We�ve done it in the past�
�Can I send you a test file to re-format�
�Why? I just told you that we know how to do it and have done it before.�
�We want to save you extra work�
�By giving me a test file for something that we know how to do? Isn�t THAT extra work?�
�I guess�
�Look, the only this is going to get done is by me doing extra work. You can�t provide what we need. I have to fix it. That�s extra work. Doing a test would be extra extra work.�
�I see�

See why I want a new job? Speaking of which, I did call the guy again yesterday and left a message. 2 problems: The company prides itself on NOT having voicemail. There�s ALWAYS someone there to answer the phone. That�s good�unless you want to leave a message for someone and don�t feel like leaving it with a secretary. You can only say so much and hope that it gets� written down properly.

I�d like to say �This is NoGoodDaddy. I wanted to thank you again for taking time on Thursday to meet mew about the position. I am very interested in the position and hope to hear back from you soon so we can get started� or something of the sort. Instead I leave: �Can you tell him NoGoodDaddy called and I�m following up on Thursday�s interview?� See�big difference.

Plus, I don�t have the guy�s email address. That was my bad.

I need an answer on something here at work. I just called 8 people and none answered their phone. We can screen calls here and I know people do. Nobody wants to talk on the phone because there�s no proof. They know I know this and purposely don�t answer my calls. I love this place.

There�s a group of people here who don�t work. They walk around all day. From their desk to the closet. From the closet to the smoking pen. From the pen to the closet. From the closet to their desk. From their desk to the boss� office where they all bitch about what they can�t do to help people. This goes on all day.
I need to take a picture of the smoking pen. Used to be, people would stand on our front steps/covered porch-thing and smoke. So, when you came to work, you had to walk through a haze of smoke. Then, they moved in 80 new people from a closed down office and realized that they had to move things around a little bit. They sent the smokers out to the side of the building. They�d stand therein the rain, snow, wind, freezing temperatures, etc and smoke. Then, someone complained that it wasn�t safe to have to walk that far. How�s that not safe? You walk all overt the place. How often do you have accidents while walking? About 2 weeks ago, they built the smoking pen. They brought in plastic barriers and made a little pen that�s about 8�x8�. The barriers are orange and yellow plastic. When I saw it, I figured they were building a barrier for the tanks that will inevitably be invading us soon. No, it�s the smoking pen. So these idiots stand there in the penalty box about 20 feet from the door and smoke their ciggys. Really folks, is it worth it?

Back from lunch�nothing on the cell phone. Anyone want to hire me?