Let�s see if I can get to all these items before I pass out:
Sissy drinks
Godiva
John John
My journal
Pedro�s house
Bedazzled Tank Tops
Poo-holes
Staplers
Interview
This might not be bad because most of them are quick hits. Here they come (in no sort of order)
Godiva: for Christmas, I sometimes buy JewelrySlut a boxen of Godiva chocolates. They�re more than ridiculously priced, but she�s a swell gal. I can also rationalize it because more than half of the box is still in the beer fridge downstairs. Last night, I remembered that they were there and we each had a piece. Mmmmm�..chocolate. This is why I heart my wife (Can someone please tell me what �<3� means. I think I should be using it more often). I buy her fancy chocolates because she likes them. She takes forever to eat them. She�s not a typical woman in many regards. This is one of them.
John John: We�re watching Trump and he has a picture of him and JFK Jr on the wall of the office where they were filming. JewelrySlut hearted him. A. Lot. She thinks she�s a Kennedy; the love child of JFK and Marilyn Monroe. We dust aside the details that she�s have to be like 50 for that to be the case. She thinks this because she bears a slight resemblance to Caroline Kennedy. She�s also adopted. We don�t know where she came from (she says Buffalo, but I have other ideas). So, John John was her step/half/something brother and she lusted for him. So, I wake up on Sept 22, 1996 in a hotel in Newark NJ. (I wasn�t in a flop house or anything. It was the morning after we got married and we had a plane to catch). There was John John and whatshername on the front page of the paper celebrating their nuptials from the night before. We had the same wedding date. Awwww�.I announced �I bet our marriage lasts longer.� Looks like I was right.
My journal: I think it was Christmas of 2003, but I asked JewelrySlut for a journal. She bought be a really cool natural/handmade-looking paper bound book with a flap closure and all. It smells like old paper and I like it. Only problem�I never used it. I wrote a little about last summer�s vacation, but that�s it. So, I made a decision: I�m carrying it with me wherever I go. I�ll put notes in it and get them fleshed out here. Sounds cool, right? No? Fuck you anyway.
Pedro�s House You can buy/rent the house where Pedro lived in Napoleon Dynamite. Buy it HERE Muffakkah! . I still don�t entirely get that movie.
Staplers:I am stapler inept. Can�t use them right. I always have to pull misfigured staploids out of my papers. I thought I�d share.
Poo-Holes: Can�t take credit for this one (That goes to the Sports Gal), but if you say
Albert Pujols� name, it sounds like Poo-holes. Look at the link. It proves it. It�s fun to say: Poo-holes. Try it NOW!
Bedazzled Tank Tops: There�s an ad on for Old Navy�s tunic tops or something. JewelrySlut announced that she thought they were cute or something. They�re bedazzled tank tops. They�re dumb. On the clothing front, I bought 2 pairs of Eddie Bauer jeans last night. $19.99 each. Cha-Ching! Only buy clothes when they�re on sale. Full price is for idiots
Sissy Drinks: Wombat made a list last night. On it, he states: You may ONLY drink Mai Tai�s and Margaritas in an outdoor setting or in tropical zones. Florida and Southern California count as tropical zones.. Count Fagula actually retorted quite well. I enjoy a rum-based drink. Since rum drinks usually = fruity drink, I often drink fruity drinks. Not that I have a drinking problem, but I often don�t know what to drink. I�ll have a beer when we�re out, but I don�t like Manly Liquor. I don�t like scotch or any of his friends. I don�t like vodka or gin. I like rum. I like rum by itself, or with other things. I�ve become almost a rum connoisseur. We have several types at home. But, I feel like a fag sometimes ordering a rum and coke while at a bar. I don�t typically order other rum drinks at a bar because I like them the way I make them. It�s also hard to tell a bartender to:
Take some rum. I don�t know how much�enough. Ass some sugar but not too much. (I'm leaving that typo there because it makes no sense whatsoever and is funny as hell that way) Add lime juice. Again, just enough. Stir. Add ice and club soda.
That�s what I like to drink. But only I can make it right.
And, if you�ve ever been down island, it�s rum drinks or nothing sometimes. And nothing�s better than a Painkiller while sitting here.
Interview: It went well. You know you�re in a different kind of interview where the interviewer says Fuck in the first 30 seconds. The job looks cool. Fast-paced and full of activity. It�s for another printing and distribution company so I�d be going back to my roots. My adventures in corporate America have not been fruitful. I need to work someplace where what you does matters and can be seen. Not in a place where what you do makes no difference and you get stupid emails written in code. So, as I left, I was told that I put myself in the final 3 and he�d be deciding in 3 or 4 days if I was interested. I called this morning to express my interest. Let�s hope for the best. If not, there will be something else. There always is.
Now that wasn�t too bad. I�d expected worse. I�m a wee bit hung-over still and am not happy about it. Then again, I did drink a lot of wine last night. I must be losing my fastball lately because I keep getting hung-over when I normally would not have.
We�re supposed to have shit-ass weather this weekend. I shouldn�t complain, it�s been nice for almost 2 weeks. It was almost 90 the other day. That was a wee bit much. So, to remind us that we live in NJ, it�s supposed to be in the low 50�s and rainy for a week or so. I guess I have to try to get some of the lawn cut tonight. I�d hold off, but if I don�t get it done now and it rains, I won�t be able to get it cut until June. Tonight�s poker tournament was cancelled. That�s OK. I�d like a quiet night at home.
On Fridays, we like to be losers. We�ve been doing this since I was still in school. We do the whole Rent a movie, drink beer, eat a pizza thing. Stop mocking me. We like it. I don�t like going out on Fridays so this is a nice way to wind down. I want pepperoni pizza tonight. And lovely beer. I�m sure we�ll end up with a bad movie. We always do. Any suggestions?
I was going to leave, but got inspired.
Let�s talk birthday cake, shall we?
So, back in like 2000 or so, JewelrySlut�s birthday was coming. I went to Dairy Queen and bought an 8� ice cream cake. I told the doofus to personalize it. �Write, in green, and as large as you can �Slappy� on the cake. Don�t ask, just do it.� He did and it was funny. Well, little did I know what I�d started. That year I got a lovely Barbie-themed cake. So, February of 2001 rolled around and JewelrySlut was turning 30. She didn�t get a special cake. We were away and I had the restaurant�s wait staff serenade her. Well, we got home and then Dale Earnhardt had his little �accident�, I remarked that that would make a funny birthday cake. Little did I know. Little did I understand the evil that I had married.
The woman is ill. My birthday�s in August, so she had to go to the garage and sit there in the stifling heat while she smacked the shit out of the car. She then squirted red cake mate into the car. That�s dedication. It�s also very wrong. I loved it. The craftsmanship is exquisite. Now, she did buy the cake so it�s not all her. I�ll let you all guess which parts are her works. Like the Eyeore candle? That�s fucked up too.
At that moment, I gave up trying. I could never win.
In 2002, again after having opened my yap, I got a cake with a picture of Gloria Estefan on it. I tried in 2003 to do something. I found pictures of starving African children and pasted them to a cake with a message like �This is nice. You get cake and we get to die�. Still, it wasn�t as good as THE CAKE.
There 2 cakes that are totally off-limits. She�s got them designed though, but even she has her limits. I�ll let you all guess which 2 events she can�t make. There�s one more that she wants to make. Picture a Texas-shaped cake. Take a model Space Shuttle�smash�sprinkle on cake. Write �Happy birthday from the crew of the Columbia�
She�s a good person at heart, I swear.