2005-04-15 - 10:55 a.m.

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How many things can I type here that you can read before the page changes? I wonder.
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Old Entries
(If you care)

I have so much to get to and not nearly enough time.

I owe you all:
My theory on parenting
My theory on love
My theory on poop
My adventure with DangerSpouse
The latest and greatest company email

I can’t get to them all today. I’m going to focus on the last 3. Mainly because they focus on poop, porn and stupidity. Those are 3 things I love and love to talk about. The other 2 can wait so back the fuck off, will ya?

Wow…was that at all necessary?

As Shmuppie would say: “I’m thinking No”

Let’s take these on in reverse order, starting with the email.
I received this gem a little while ago:

Quick question for you. If you look at the Q3 metric where the checking item for the control is the SQL Database – I know we spoke and that we’re at 100% for this control, but was the SQL database used to come up with this 100% turnout? Only reason why I am asking is because we need to present at CMI this coming week and will be speaking to the control plan as 100% complete. We just want to be ready to field any questions regarding the checking items for each Q.

Let’s all chew on that for a while. One of the things I heart (that seems to be the trendy thing to say; heart and not love, and we all know that I am the trend-fucking-mastah) about this place is that nobody seems to use real words or speak English. Look at that shit. There’s nothing in it that makes sense.

I’ll provide a wee bit of background: This one department, every other week, generates files that output checks that we print to be mailed to pharmacies. We print them and mail them on the appropriate date. That’s it. We either do it right or we get fired. We do this type of work 7 days a week. We know how to print and mail checks. So, when the guy asked me earlier what our percentage of on time mailing was, I told him 100%. How did I know? Because I have a job. If I have a job, we’re mailing on time.

Here’s a list of things that I want to write back, but know I can’t:
Sorry, I don’t speak Spanish.

Hey, you know what they say... See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em. Leg 'er down 'n smack 'em yak 'em

Oh, I’m sorry, you’re going to need to rephrase that. I don’t care enough to think about our SQL or Q bullshit this morning.

Alas…I guess I’ll have to call the bastard and find out exactly what the fuck that was supposed to have meant. If you can figure out what he’s asking, I will send you swag like I did for DangerSpouse

Talk about a wicked pissah segway!
I rock!

Let’s start with the picture so you all can digest it for a little while.

So…I knew going in that I would be horrid at the DangerMix. I referred to this a few entries ago. I’m not linking back, go find it yourself. However, I forgot to take a picture of the stuff that I sent him before I did so. I had to wait until NewWifey(tm) got back from her adventures and the DangerCamera returned home.

I gotta give the man credit for his ability to pose and stage porn and porn accessories properly. The full on view of the latex thins is nice. I also like how he made sure to lay the black porn right up front. That was nice. So you can tell, I sent him a few VHS tapes of porn, some lube stuff, some rubbers, a little tape measure (don’t know why), the latex thing and maybe some more stuff. I don’t remember. The tapes are kinda old. We’ve had them for a while. DangerSpouse was quick to notice that they’re the freebies that you get when you order from Adam and Eve. We don’t order much from them, mostly rubbers. They have fun textured and colored ones that we like. JewelrySlut likes it when I wear a black rubber. She has a thing for black cock and I kinda don’t have one. So, we substitute where needed.

The picture is great and it almost forgives the fact that he’s been doing his traffic reports over a phone line lately. I need an answer about this. The station I catch him on is only like 2 watts anyway, so the signal’s already bad. Throw in the fact that he’s on a helmet phone and it’s even worse. It’s nice when he hangs the phone up after the report and you can hear the receiver rattle around in the cradle.

I understand that most people have simply made CD’s and sent them back in return. I wanted to do more. The man amuses the shit out of me and kept me in stitches for a week while I read his whole diary.

Porn, one of the many ties that bind.

Poop…let’s talk about it.

Poop is always funny. It’s doubly funny once you’ve have kids (but that’s another episode). What got me thinking about poop, was a conversation JewelrySlut and I had last night.

After work, she was looking particularly fine. She had on, under her shirt, a nearly see-thru black tank top thing. I, naturally, requested that she remove the boulder holder and wear the tank top for the rest of the night. It was almost see-thru and the house was a wee bit nipple. Then, she took off her pants and sat on my lap. I slapped her ass a few times and ticked her ass crack. She quickly warned me not to go any farther because she’d just pooped and was spent from the experience.

Later, when we’d settled into bed for some ho sex…OK…really, we watched Good Eats. Nevertheless, I grabbed her ass again. I was told about the whole being spent thing.
JewelrySlut: I made a big poop. I hadn’t gone since Monday.
Me: What?! How do you do that? I poop all the time.
JewelrySlut: I don’t know. I just haven’t had to go
Me: I don’t get it, I’ve gone twice today already. We eat roughly the same volume of food, how do you do it?
JewelrySlut: I don’t know.
Me: I’m writing about this. I want answers.

So, here we are. How often to you poop? As referenced above, I usually go at least twice a day. Sometimes it’s one in the morning and one after work. Other times, it’s Act 1 at work and the finale once I get home. Still, it’s usually 2. JewelrySlut goes days on end without pooping. I don’t understand it nor do I pretend to. Do I poop too often? My 2 daily poops are usually huge…yes…have your fun with the NoGoodDaddy is full of shit jokes. I’ll wait.

Done yet?
Ok…I can wait all day you juveniles.

Ok, whether or not you’re done, I’m moving forward.

Shmuppie goes like twice a day. Of course, she shits herself, so she’s got a whole other (pronounced whole nother) set of problems.

Poop is fascinating. It takes on so many varied colors, smells and textures. I have names for them all. My personal least-favorite is the Wipey Dump. You know it: you wipe and wipe and wipe and it’s still there. I hate that one.

I also fart a lot. Anyone else? I can’t quite fart on command, but I’m working on it. When we were like 10, a friend and I noticed that if you punch your asshole, you can make yourself fart. I’m not talking about fisting or anything, just punch at yourself.

Again, I’ll wait for you all to try.

…(imagining the horrified look on coworkers’ faces as you all punch your asses and rip off farts)

So, let’s have an open and honest dialogue about poop.

Well, the weekend’s almost here. We’re going to ChurchBomber and MerlotMan’s house after work. They had their kitchen remodeled and MerlotMan plans to cook for us. It saves us a ride home in a lot of the traffic, so that’s good.

Saturday will be cleaning day. I also need an oil change. I want to rent a carpet cleaner to do the upstairs and the cars. Have a child and let them eat in the car and you’ll understand the need for car cleaning. We also have to do a lot of dusting. The bathroom’s also filthy (probably all my poop).

Sunday should be an adventure. We have one last open house. Afterwards, I’m taking the fucking sign down. It makes me mad to look at it. So, since we have to be out and don’t want to see TheNinny, we’re going on an adventure. We’re headed to Point Pleasant. They have an aquarium there and the boardwalk’s open.

Heard at home:
Me: What are we going to see on Sunday, Shmuppie?
Shmuppie: We see fishes!
Me: What else?
Shmuppie: We see pen-gu-ins! (She likes to add syllables to things)
Me: What else?
Shmuppie: The ocean!
Me: What are we going to eat?
Shmuppie: We eat French Fries!
Me: What else are we going to do?
Shmuppie: We play games!

It should be fun. The weather’s supposed to be nice and we all need to get out and have some fun. For all of you on-parents, I’ll make sure to have her well leashed.

Later, I gotta go drop off the Cosby kids at the pool.