2005-04-15 - 10:55 a.m.
I have so much to get to and not nearly enough time.
I owe you all:My theory on parentingMy theory on loveMy theory on poopMy adventure with DangerSpouseThe latest and greatest company email
I can�t get to them all today. I�m going to focus on the last 3. Mainly because they focus on poop, porn and stupidity. Those are 3 things I love and love to talk about. The other 2 can wait so back the fuck off, will ya?
Wow�was that at all necessary?
As Shmuppie would say: �I�m thinking No�
Let�s take these on in reverse order, starting with the email.I received this gem a little while ago:
Quick question for you. If you look at the Q3 metric where the checking item for the control is the SQL Database � I know we spoke and that we�re at 100% for this control, but was the SQL database used to come up with this 100% turnout? Only reason why I am asking is because we need to present at CMI this coming week and will be speaking to the control plan as 100% complete. We just want to be ready to field any questions regarding the checking items for each Q.
Let�s all chew on that for a while. One of the things I heart (that seems to be the trendy thing to say; heart and not love, and we all know that I am the trend-fucking-mastah) about this place is that nobody seems to use real words or speak English. Look at that shit. There�s nothing in it that makes sense.
I�ll provide a wee bit of background: This one department, every other week, generates files that output checks that we print to be mailed to pharmacies. We print them and mail them on the appropriate date. That�s it. We either do it right or we get fired. We do this type of work 7 days a week. We know how to print and mail checks. So, when the guy asked me earlier what our percentage of on time mailing was, I told him 100%. How did I know? Because I have a job. If I have a job, we�re mailing on time.
Here�s a list of things that I want to write back, but know I can�t:Sorry, I don�t speak Spanish.
Hey, you know what they say... See a broad, to get that booty yak 'em. Leg 'er down 'n smack 'em yak 'em
Oh, I�m sorry, you�re going to need to rephrase that. I don�t care enough to think about our SQL or Q bullshit this morning.
Alas�I guess I�ll have to call the bastard and find out exactly what the fuck that was supposed to have meant. If you can figure out what he�s asking, I will send you swag like I did for DangerSpouse
Let�s start with the picture so you all can digest it for a little while.
So�I knew going in that I would be horrid at the DangerMix. I referred to this a few entries ago. I�m not linking back, go find it yourself. However, I forgot to take a picture of the stuff that I sent him before I did so. I had to wait until NewWifey(tm) got back from her adventures and the DangerCamera returned home.
I gotta give the man credit for his ability to pose and stage porn and porn accessories properly. The full on view of the latex thins is nice. I also like how he made sure to lay the black porn right up front. That was nice. So you can tell, I sent him a few VHS tapes of porn, some lube stuff, some rubbers, a little tape measure (don�t know why), the latex thing and maybe some more stuff. I don�t remember. The tapes are kinda old. We�ve had them for a while. DangerSpouse was quick to notice that they�re the freebies that you get when you order from Adam and Eve. We don�t order much from them, mostly rubbers. They have fun textured and colored ones that we like. JewelrySlut likes it when I wear a black rubber. She has a thing for black cock and I kinda don�t have one. So, we substitute where needed.
The picture is great and it almost forgives the fact that he�s been doing his traffic reports over a phone line lately. I need an answer about this. The station I catch him on is only like 2 watts anyway, so the signal�s already bad. Throw in the fact that he�s on a helmet phone and it�s even worse. It�s nice when he hangs the phone up after the report and you can hear the receiver rattle around in the cradle.
I understand that most people have simply made CD�s and sent them back in return. I wanted to do more. The man amuses the shit out of me and kept me in stitches for a week while I read his whole diary.
Porn, one of the many ties that bind.
Poop�let�s talk about it.
Poop is always funny. It�s doubly funny once you�ve have kids (but that�s another episode). What got me thinking about poop, was a conversation JewelrySlut and I had last night.
After work, she was looking particularly fine. She had on, under her shirt, a nearly see-thru black tank top thing. I, naturally, requested that she remove the boulder holder and wear the tank top for the rest of the night. It was almost see-thru and the house was a wee bit nipple. Then, she took off her pants and sat on my lap. I slapped her ass a few times and ticked her ass crack. She quickly warned me not to go any farther because she�d just pooped and was spent from the experience.
Later, when we�d settled into bed for some ho sex�OK�really, we watched Good Eats. Nevertheless, I grabbed her ass again. I was told about the whole being spent thing. JewelrySlut: I made a big poop. I hadn�t gone since Monday.Me: What?! How do you do that? I poop all the time.JewelrySlut: I don�t know. I just haven�t had to goMe: I don�t get it, I�ve gone twice today already. We eat roughly the same volume of food, how do you do it?JewelrySlut: I don�t know.Me: I�m writing about this. I want answers.
So, here we are. How often to you poop? As referenced above, I usually go at least twice a day. Sometimes it�s one in the morning and one after work. Other times, it�s Act 1 at work and the finale once I get home. Still, it�s usually 2. JewelrySlut goes days on end without pooping. I don�t understand it nor do I pretend to. Do I poop too often? My 2 daily poops are usually huge�yes�have your fun with the NoGoodDaddy is full of shit jokes. I�ll wait.���Done yet?No?Ok�I can wait all day you juveniles.���Ok, whether or not you�re done, I�m moving forward.
Shmuppie goes like twice a day. Of course, she shits herself, so she�s got a whole other (pronounced whole nother) set of problems.
Poop is fascinating. It takes on so many varied colors, smells and textures. I have names for them all. My personal least-favorite is the Wipey Dump. You know it: you wipe and wipe and wipe and it�s still there. I hate that one.
I also fart a lot. Anyone else? I can�t quite fart on command, but I�m working on it. When we were like 10, a friend and I noticed that if you punch your asshole, you can make yourself fart. I�m not talking about fisting or anything, just punch at yourself.
Again, I�ll wait for you all to try.���(imagining the horrified look on coworkers� faces as you all punch your asses and rip off farts)
So, let�s have an open and honest dialogue about poop.
Well, the weekend�s almost here. We�re going to ChurchBomber and MerlotMan�s house after work. They had their kitchen remodeled and MerlotMan plans to cook for us. It saves us a ride home in a lot of the traffic, so that�s good.
Saturday will be cleaning day. I also need an oil change. I want to rent a carpet cleaner to do the upstairs and the cars. Have a child and let them eat in the car and you�ll understand the need for car cleaning. We also have to do a lot of dusting. The bathroom�s also filthy (probably all my poop).
Sunday should be an adventure. We have one last open house. Afterwards, I�m taking the fucking sign down. It makes me mad to look at it. So, since we have to be out and don�t want to see TheNinny, we�re going on an adventure. We�re headed to Point Pleasant. They have an aquarium there and the boardwalk�s open.
Heard at home:Me: What are we going to see on Sunday, Shmuppie?Shmuppie: We see fishes!Me: What else?Shmuppie: We see pen-gu-ins! (She likes to add syllables to things)Me: What else?Shmuppie: The ocean!Me: What are we going to eat?Shmuppie: We eat French Fries!Me: What else are we going to do?Shmuppie: We play games!
It should be fun. The weather�s supposed to be nice and we all need to get out and have some fun. For all of you on-parents, I�ll make sure to have her well leashed.
Later, I gotta go drop off the Cosby kids at the pool.