I liked my idea from yesterday�s entry of taking notes and then fleshing them out. That helps me, especially considering that I�m a lunatic.
Cape May thoughts to elaborate upon:
Forgot the camera
Parkway Traffic
Nothing�s open past 8:30
Wind
Rachel Ray eats pancakes
The shopping spree
Appletinis
Puking
The pregnant zoo
Pig knuckles
Mystery Miles
See, with no details, it sounds like not so much a fun trip. It really was.
Let�s talk about it.
Forgot the camera
On Thursday in the middle of all the insanity I said to myself �Don�t forget the camera. There�s bound to be funny shit to photograph in Cape May� I forgot the camera. I�m not happy about it. I could have made this a lovely photo essay. Instead, it will suck and likely be long-winded.
Parkway Traffic
After the Bextra Debacle, I got out of work at a little after 6:00. I had to get to the NoGoodParent�s house. It should have taken 20 minutes. Well, somehow, some assface managed to flip over a Ford Bronco on the highway right near work. I�ve always thought that speed is required to flip over any vehicle. I say this because from about midnight to midnight there�s traffic on the highway near work. How one could flip an SUV is beyond me. So, the 20 minutes took almost 45. Sweet.
Like most husbands, I drive everywhere. However, at this point, I was not driving to Cape May. It would have been ugly. So, I let JewelrySlut drive. She�s fine behind the wheel. Actually, she�s a very good driver, born and raised on the roads of NJ. She bobs, weaves and swears like the best. Me�B-A-D passenger. Not only do I clutch the �Oh Shit Handle� but I also use the �Oh Shit Pedals�. And�the Parkway on a Friday is like driving in a NASCAR race. If you�re not from NJ, imagine this: 6 lanes of traffic, all going 70-75 mph. SUVs everywhere. People changing lanes at will with no signals. Narrow lanes. Brick/stone walls on either side of the road. In a nutshell, if you bump someone, you�re going to bounce around like a fucking pinball. It happens all the time. I can handle just about anything on the road, but I hate driving from the Essex to Raritan tolls. It�s not fun.
Despite all this, we made it to Cape May in a little over 2 � hours. She made really good time and managed no not kill me. I�m kinda upset that I didn�t drive. I was going to demand a road hummer if I had. But, I was so fucked up after work that I couldn�t think straight. I spent a good half hour sending people random voicemails. I was thinking in spurts and people heard about it.
Nothing�s open past 8:30
We roll into town at about 9:30 and check in at our hotel. The desk clerk was feeling chatty. I was still in a major fog. I was also going through hunger-related delirium. All I�d eaten all day was some coffee, 2 bites of a sandwich and an apple. The clerk told us we were the last to check in for the night and I asked if anything was open still in town. It�s off-season and I know a lot of restaurants are either closed for the season or close early. She said nothing was open but we may be able to go to WaWa for a sandwich. (For the uninitiated (me among them) WaWa is like 7-11, Southern NJ style. I�ve never been to one). I knew I was bound to find at least a bar that was open. We found a restaurant in town that has a bar and walked in. When I saw people eating, I almost kissed the skeezy host-man. It�s amazing what a pint of Boddington�s and some onion rings can do to one�s spirits. Having eaten, we went back to the hotel. I showered off a day�s worth of adrenaline-induced sweat and passed out. Talk about sexy!
Wind
I know it�s a beach town, but Jesus, is it windy down there. Like hella windy. The wind is a constant theme down there. It�s also got weird sun. The land down there I think faces east to west so the sun�s always in your eyes. It�s very odd, seeing the sun set over the water, knowing you�re in NJ.
Rachel Ray eats pancakes
As mentioned earlier, I hate Rachel Ray.
So, we�re at breakfast onSaturday morning at Uncle Bill�s pancake house. JewelrySlut forked herself some of my pancakes and decided to eat them Rachel Ray-style. I can�t do it justice. If you�ve ever watched $40 a day and seen the face she makes on each mouthful of food or how she gestures with her silverware, you�d understand. JewelrySlut has her pegged. It was hysterical.
JewelrySlut: MMMMMMMMM these are so good. You know, you really have to know the locals to be able to find pancakes this good.
It was quite funnier in person. Just trust me.
I was pissed that we didn�t have the camera.
Really. Pissed.
The shopping spree
We swung into a little clothes store in town that JewelrySlut likes. They, as usual, were having a sale. She was ready to do some damage later on in the day. They had $10 sweaters and shirts! Like Oh. My. God. We were hella excited. We showered, screwed and headed to Smithville for meandering. We bought a bunch of wine and some other shit. We drove back to Cape May and walked back to the store. Well, all the $10 items were now $5.
She bought $85 worth of stuff.
Its retail value was $472.
I think all the ladies in the house are doing some sort of �you go girl� thing at her right now. Me, I was just holding hangers. She made out like a fucking bandit. Sweaters, shirts, t-shirts, a purse, an orphan, a puppy and some crack. It was a good shopping trip.
Appletinis
We went back to the room for some wine, cheese and sex before dinner. All 3 were nice. We went off to dinner at Axlesson�s. We like to get there early to hand at the bar. We each had a drink and then got our table. As usual, the place was very good. JewelrySlut had spinach linguine with lobster and shrimp and I had 2 gigantic crab cakes.
** I should take this time to mention that I may have a shellfish allergy. If I mix lobster and dairy, I get violently ill from both ends�at the same time. It�s not pretty. As a result, I tend to avoid crabs and lobsters. **
Damn the torpedoes, the crab cakes rocked. So did the awesome chocolate lava cake. (Of course, the cake led to jokes made in my horrid Dr Evil voice about it having Maaagma in it).
Puking
After dinner, we were mildly drunk, so we went back to the room and splayed out on the bed watching Whoopi Goldberg�s latest comedy thing.
I was in the bathroom and heard her intro of: �Around the world in 80 muhfuckin� days�
I chimed in, without thinking, �My name is Fontaine and LOVE is my game�
Holy Shit. I haven�t heard her do Fontaine in like 15 years. It�s quite amazing what the mind can choose to remember. I was singing along and JewelrySlut had that �Why did I marry this asshole� look on the face. Whoopee was funny. If you�re gong to get your feelings hurt by having someone make fun of the President, turn away. I voted for the guy, but I also have a sense of humor. She was pretty damn funny. If you can handle it, watch it. It�s a good laugh. I normally can�s stand her, but I guess because she was supposed to be funny and was in her Fontaine character, I could stomach it. Usually�not so much with the Whoopie.
But I digress.
Shortly thereafter, we fell asleep. I woke up suddenly at 4:00 in some major pain. It felt like someone was trying to pull my esophagus away from my stomach. It was unpleasant. I knew that only one thing could help me.
I needed to puke.
I don�t puke well.
Let�s talk about puking. Back before Shmuppie threw all her hormones into a lather (and gave her bigger knockers) JewelrySlut used to get migraines all the time. We�d be downstairs watching TV, and she�d get up to go into the bathroom. 2 minutes later, she�d be back. I�d look at her and notice that her eyes were a little red.
Me: Did you just puke?
JewelrSlut: Yup
Me: How do you do that?
See, when I puke, it�s violent. There�s usually a lot of noise and mess. There�s also blowing of the nose, spitting and trembling. As I said, I don�t puke well.
So, I stumble to the bathroom, turn on the light and get ready.
Lean over the bowl and��..
Nothing
Lean again����.
Nothing
Cough. Cough. Cough�GAG
Nothing
Finger down throat�GAG
Nothing
At this point, all of Cape May County knows I�m trying to throw up.
Finally, I jammed my finger back down my throat and up it came.
All over my hand.
Nice.
Then wave 2 came.
Ugh. I was rather spent at this point. This had all taken a half hour. I made my way back to bed and passed out.
The pregnant zoo
After breakfast and sex, we headed to the Cape May Zoo. It was lame this time. They had a lot of invisible animals, ugly fat people, and pregnant ladies. Jesus, where the fuck did they all come from? We�re used to having the place to ourselves, so the crowds started bothering us. I thought it would have been fun to yell out �If all you whores (spelled with a W, thank you) would stop having sex, you wouldn�t be taking up so much fucking space!� Would that have been inappropriate? Can we get a vote on this? We had to park like 25 miles away in this weird parking lot. Whilst there, someone opened their door right into the side of June. June is JewelrySlut�s car, a Ford Focus Wagon. The woman loves the car more than me. I can�t blame her though.
The car vomits quietly.
I touched up the paint yesterday and all is mostly well.
We grabbed a late lunch of grouper and beer and went back to the hotel for a nap. I was beat at that point. Puking takes a lot out of me.
Pig knuckles
For dinner, we went to a little Mexican place in town. We�d been trying to go there for years but they�re always closed for the season. They were open this time! Woohoo! I had some pork dish served with nice tortillas. The only problem is that I forgot what was in it. It had some crunchy-like white things. I asked JewelrySlut if she�d remembered what was on the menu. She couldn�t. We decided they were pig knuckles. Mexican Pig Knuckles are AWESOME! I can attest to that. Oh�before dinner, we watched the end of �regulation� of the Masters. Holy shit, that chip by Tiger on 16 was sick. Plain sick.
Mystery Miles
Finally, this mess is nearly done. Is anyone reading still? I hope so, because this is IMPORTANT. See, part of the fun of driving to and from Cape May is knowing exactly how far you have to go. The Parkway gives you nice little mile markers and you know that you�re either going to mile 0 or starting there. I like to guess what time we�ll arrive and then drive like a lunatic to beat that time. So, we got gas right before we left. I reset the mileage doodad on the car. We got on the Parkway at .8 miles. By the time we were in the 90�s, the trip odometer was matching the road markers. That was freaky. Does anyone know why? How do the calculate the road�s milage? One lane or the other? Down the middle? I need an answer because I�m terrified. By the time we got off at mile 142.3, the odometer was at 141 point something. We�d started out .8 miles ahead of the game and were down over a mile once we finished. We�d somehow traveled like a mile and a half less than the signs said we should have. This is not good. Not good at all.
Hold me.