2005-04-12 - 11:07 a.m.

Ok�so I�m running behind a little bit. This was supposed to have been written last Friday, but work got in the way of my fun.

Before I go farther.

That feels better.

I�ll explain later.

So, Thursday night was crazy at the NoGoodHouse. I have no idea why. I knew Friday was going to suck ass royally. We had to pack up for the weekend, and we�re generally nuts.

I kept notes. Here�s how they read. I�ll flesh them out later.

Beer for the kid
What is this?
I like Beer

Look at my Hiney

RubbaDubbers
Do I look Black?

Wheel of Fortune
Touch and go
�You stupid whore�
�stupid stupid�
�SH�

Run over by a car

Carolyn = Sexy Executive Porn.

Ok�on their own, they make no sense, but just wait. Here we go, as listed:

Beer for the kid
What is this?
I like Beer

I finally get home at like 6:30 or so. I�m a little beat and can tell that JewelrySlut�s about had enough. I grab a beer and put it down so I can open it. I went to our room for something for a second and came back to see JewelrySlut laughing. Seems she�s opened the beer and put it down in front of Shmuppie. So, we had beer and milk in a Dora the Explorer cup.
Shmuppie: What is this?
JewelrySlut: It�s Daddy�s beer
Shmuppie: I like beer.

We�re so proud. One of Shmuppie�s first words was beer. We used to be able to lead her around the house by waving a beer at her. Since she�s born on May 5 (Cinco de Mayo), we gave her beer on her 2nd birthday. This year she gets tequila.

Look at my Hiney
After Shmuppie�s done eating, it�s bath time. I�m in the kitchen doing something and I hear her come tearing down the hall. She�s stark naked and is pointing at her HaHa. (that�s what we call her bajingo. We once referred to it as her hooha, but she calls it her HaHa).
Me: Shmuppie, that�s not your Hiney
Shmuppie: Look at my hiney
Me: That�s your HaHa, honey. Keep the two straight. From what I�ve heard, it can be [painful at times if you don�t.
JewelrySlut (from down the hall): You bet!

DYFS is coming by any day now.

RubbaDubbers
Do I look Black?
The hiney episode is immediately followed by this:
I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers.
I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers.
I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers.
I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers.
I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers. I want RubbaDubbers.
Seems that Shmuppie wants to play with her RubbaDubebrs while in the bath.
I hear footsteps�it�s JewelrySlut.
JewelrySlut: I don�t know. Do I look black to you?
Me: bangs head against counter

Wheel of Fortune
Touch and go
�You stupid whore�
�stupid stupid�
�SH�

Fast forward maybe 10 more minutes. I collapse on the bed to the end of Wheel of Fortune. I must admit that I am the worst player of this game ever. You could have _tupi_ _ouche Bag on the screen and I�d still have no clue.

So, we�re looking at:

T_uc_ an_ g_

I�m flustered. JewelrySlut walks in and announces:
Touch and Go! Touch and Go! Touch and Go! Touch and Go!
You Stupid Whore, it�s Touch and Go! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Shmuppie: stipid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid
Me: At least she�s leaving off the rest. Maybe next time, you should say �SH�
JewelrySlut: You asshole, Whore starts with W

Run over by a car
Oh yea, I remember now why JewelrySlut was so flustered when I got home. She and Shmuppie had to stop on the way home at the dry cleaners. Apparently, Shmuppie bolted upon her release from the car seat�right into the parking lot and the path of an oncoming car. JewelrySlut screamed at Shmuppie who promptly burst into tears. I think the though of seeing her kid under someone�s Uniroyals had her a little off her game.

Carolyn = Sexy Executive Porn.
Am I the only one who thinks Carolyn
from The Apprentice is into way kinky sex?

I mean, I can see her screaming at some underling:

Fuck me harder you baby!
Do it right or I�ll tear your balls of!
Lick me faster!
Get your whole fist in there you fucking piece of shit!

I don�t know about you, but I�d bend her over the boardroom table.

Hello? Is anyone there?

Do I hear crickets?

Hello?

So, I�ll discuss Cape May tomorrow.

I�ll say again:

Here at HealthcareRelated company, we were affected by Pfizer�s recall of Bextra. As a result, I had to figure out how to send 3000 UPS Overnight packages on Friday night to people affected. We then had to print and mail 90,000+ letters by yesterday. The 90,000 was a piece of cake. The 3000 was not.

Our UPS computer shat the bed on me, forcing me to find someone�anyone�who could print up 3000 UPS labels for me. I had our VP on my ass all day. He asked me for an update literally every 3 minutes. People were laughing at me. It would have been funny if it were not me being hassled. Finally, once we had the labels run by UPS and delivered here, I told him that I�d better see him sticking labels on packages or else. I�m not sure if anyone�s ever talked to him in such a manner before. I told him that after driving me crazy all day it was the least he could do for us. But, our crew here really pulled us out of a mess and I made sure to thank them all. We slapped labels on 3000 UPS envelopes in like 45 minutes.
We were ma-friggin-chines.

I was proud of us all. We lived to fight another day.
More to come�