2005-03-15 - 12:05 p.m.

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I had a lot of things to piss and moan about, but I think I forgot most of them. I had a great list of reasons to complain about stuff, but I think I must have gotten drunk or something.

Shit�What was it?

This is a fun week for me. It�s NCAA time and I couldn�t be a bigger geek if I tried. I hope my Huskies don�t embarrass themselves. That would be the Defending National Champion Huskies of UConn to all of those who care.

Now�what was I so ornery about?

Oh yea�the DMV again. So, after my adventure last week, I went out to the garage on Saturday to pull more light bulbs. This is the part in the story when you have to realize that I�m a total idiot and should not be trusted with any sort of tool, power or otherwise.

The upper brake light it out. I know I need to go into the trunk to get to it. So, into the trunk I go. I find where the bulb is and see that it�s got a little bracket-thingy that�s held in place with 2 bolts. Interesting, I think�why would they go to all that trouble to hold it in. Whatever�I get 2 wrenches that look like they may fit. Neither do. I have 7/16 and � in my hand and neither are right. The bolt appears to be metric, or as we�d say, in �H�. As in �Put it in H� As in what Crazy Vaclav says to Homer in the Mr. Plow episode. Anyhoo�I get an adjustable wrench. I adjust it and lean in with all my manliness to the bolts. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. GRUUUUUNT�I try again and get them moving. I pull off the 2 bolts and disconnect the electrical (safety second, I always say). I pop off the bolts and the trunk lock falls into my hands.

I am an asshole.

I have succeeded in disconnecting the lock to the trunk. The rear brake light still sits snug in its little house.

After putting the lock back together, I pop out the bulb. I also decided to check the other lights. Hot Damn! There�s another bulb out that the fuckers at the DMV didn�t mention. I fooled them this time. So, 2 bulbs and $9 later, I have a lovely car that has all its lights in order. I just have to find an overcast morning to go back.

Why overcast? Thanks for asking. See, here in NJ, sometimes there�s this horrifying ball of fire in the Eastern sky. When it�s there, all the buttfuckingsonofabitches on Route 80 stop to stare at it. The Traffic Wizard and his cronies don�t even bother to report on Route 80 anymore. What is there to say? �This is Dangerspouse and there�s a 20-mile backup on Route 80 again. Look at those dickfaces. They�re all staring at the sun. This traffic report was brought to you by Burneeze hemorrhoid cream. Back to you, Ted�. So, I need to wait for clouds so my drive to work doesn�t take 1 � hours like it has this week. That�s 30 miles, 1 � hours. Fun, ain�t it?

Have I mentioned how much I despise New Jersey?

Saturday was nice, so the 3 of us loaded into the newly-lit NoGoodDaddy-mobile and went on an adventure. We went to some outlets and I got new shoes, Shmuppie got some clothes and we got ourselves a nice serving platter/bowl. It�s just the right size to hold a bunch of cheese, bread, olives and stuff. That�s a good dinner for us. We drank a bunch of wine, ate too much cheese and passed out too early.

Sunday was Selection Sunday so I hibernated in front of the TV all day digesting college basketball. Al I know is that I can�t figure out this year�s tournament.

And, finally�I�m fat. I decided yesterday that I�m a fat-ass. I want to lose from 12-15 lbs by June 1. I went to GNC and got some legalized amphetamines and hopped on the Nordic Trac last night. I should be able to do it. If not, I�ll just go back to being a lazy slug. You�ll note that I don�t plan to sue Labatt�s for making their oh-so-tasty beer so calorie laden. Nope, I�m going to eat more veggies and exercise�and take speed. I should be fine. I need another pill. This entry�s taken me like 4 seconds to write and it should have only taken 2. The pills must be wearing off.

One of these days, I�ll get into the Big Picture problems in the NoGood extended family. Needless to say, just when you and your family dupe yourselves into thinking that you�re not dysfunctional and that it�s everyone else, you find out that I�m the sanest one in the bunch.


And that�s never good.

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