2005-06-28 - 4:55 p.m.

We�re both awake. No sense in playing �Are you awake?� this morning. Neither of us really slept. My parents have a double bed in the guest room. We�re used to a Queen and seem to be hanging off the bed at all kinds of odd angles. Plus, we were too exhausted to sleep. Anyone who has ever brought a baby home from the hospital knows how that is.

I stumble to the office and log in for work. I have to get some stuff done before I can even think about the mess in the cars.

I�m about done with work for now. Time to go downstairs and face the cars. As I�d mentioned, we just started chucking shit into them last night. They look about as bad as cars do when moving college kids into dorms. Only problem is that we have to leave room for all the houseplants, 2 cats and 1 kid. This should be fun.

My car will carry me and Shmuppie to Raleigh. JewelrySlut will have the plants, the candles (got to have a nice smelling house�or something) and the cats. The Focus won�t be able to hold that much stuff. What it has takes up a lot of space. However, I bought the most awesomeist thing ever a few weeks back. I found this big roof bag thing somewhere on line. For $59.95, I got 15 cubic feet of cargo space. It�s not aerodynamic, but it holds a lot of shit. It will be used to the hilt.

I start by unloading the cars into the garage. Jesus, that�s a lot of shit. Time to start throwing things out again. Out go some extra garbage cans, some cleaning products, some of this and some of that.

You have to realize that all during this, JewelrySlut is wisely staying away from me. I also am making this difficult by having to crap every 3 minutes. I haven�t eaten in 3 days, but I�m shitting like�well�what shits a lot? Because I�m shitting like that thing.

We want to leave by 11:00 to avoid a lot of traffic, so time is of the essence.

JewelrySlut and NoGoodFather head to the bank. It�s money time. We�re looking at a check for $110,000. I�ve never seen that much money all in one place. The temptation to somehow distract my father, grab the kid, and head for the nearest cruise ship is there. I won�t lie. They head off while I continue assessing the mess.

They�re baaaaack. Guess what? JewelrySlut�s crying again. Not that I can blame her. We just dodged a huge bullet and know we have a few weeks to get our shit together without going broke.

The piles are getting under control and I�m developing a strategy on how to get it all into/onto the cars.

My father has to go to work, so it�s time for goodbyes and more tears. We shouldn�t be crying. It�s just all the shit going on.

We�re packed. The cars are practically dragging the ground, but we�re packed and only a few minutes late. Shmuppie�s running around the driveway playing airplane. Time to strap the kid in and do goodbye again. This one�s easier. My mother refuses to cry, so it�s not all that bad.

We head off.

We�re DC bound.

We head back to 78 and start east towards our friend The Garden State Parkway. As I�ve mentioned, I hate the strip of that road in and around Union County, NJ. It�s like playing bumper cars. Only this time, we�re loaded down. The Focus ain�t doing so well. It looks to be driving heavily and I�m nervously watching from a safe distance. JewelrySlut gets the hang of driving it and we�re off towards the Turnpike. We plan to stop at the rest stop by Exit 9 because the Focus will need gas.

All is OK. Shmuppie�s in the back and is singing along with something. My cell rings�

Oh look�it�s Barbara from the moving company
Me: Hi Barbara. How are we doing? How�s the stuff look.
Barbara: It looked OK last night. You have a new desk chair. Listen, the truck�s arriving on Sunday.

Me: (Trying not to plow into all the cars around me) WHAT! You said the truck was arriving on Tuesday. We don�t close in Raleigh until Monday. What!
Babs: Well, I know I said Tuesday, but the window for delivery was from Sunday to Wednesday. It will be there on Sunday.
Me: What time? (Trying to wrack my brain to come up an option. Just setting up the furniture in the townhouse parking area is looking pretty damned good right now)
Babs: I don�t know.
Me: Give me an hour. I need to figure something out.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Me: (on the cell again) Hi hon. Guess what?
JewelrySlut: What now?
Me: The truck�s arriving on Monday
JewelrySlut: WHAT!
Me: I have to call Eleanor.

Eleanor: Hello�What now
Me: Hello, Love. Well, it�s getting worse. The truck arrives on Sunday
Eleanor: Fuck. Do you know that you don�t own the house until Monday?
Me: I know. Can we get a form written up or something? I can be there tonight if I need to be.
Eleanor: You�re causing me a lot of paperwork you know. How does anyone do any business up there? It�s no wonder you�re moving.
Me: Whatever you need me to do let me know.

So, here we are�driving down the road in 2 overly heavy cars. Our stuff is arriving 2 days early and we still don�t know if our house in NJ is ever closing. AWESOME!

We stop to gas me up at the last rest stop in NJ. It�s got the cheapest gas for miles and will make a good place to stop for a bathroom and leg stretching break. The girls go potty and I gas up and get the portable DVD player out. We�d held off on getting one of those things until this trip. I didn�t want it on the whole time, but I knew the ugly part of the drive was coming�Delaware and Maryland.

We get going a little after 2:00 and I get on the phone again as we�re leaving NJ. This time, I call �New Jersey�s own radio station. Not New York, not Philadelphia, we�re New Jersey, (Womp womp sound effect) New Jersey 101.5�

The station has a complex�a major complex. Plus, DanegrSpouse does weekend reports for them, so we know they ain�t all right. I wanted to call the afternoon drive show, the Jersey Guys, to say goodbye. About 5 minutes later, as I got to Delaware I got on the air. I bid them my farewell and told them we were headed to NC. They, like everyone else, asked why and I think I almost had them convinced to join us. It was fun being on the radio. I�d been on with one of the hosts a few years back when he was on another station, so I got to give him a hard time about that.

Delaware: Do you live there? If so, I�m sorry. You live in a pathetic little piece of land. Delaware for me = traffic. Know that scene in Blazing Saddles where they put a tollbooth in the middle of the desert? Well, that�s Delaware. They know their state is nothing but a place between NJ/PA and MD, so they charge you $2.50 to go 6 miles through it. PLUS, you give them a portion of the bridge toll. Delaware ROCKS! Needless to say, there�s major traffic going to the toll. Something like 56 highways merge into 95 at that point, so there�s backup for miles.

UGH

We leave Delafuck and find ourselves in Maryland. We�re getting close now. The traffic is easing going South and we ca move along at a decent pace. However, Baltimore looms for me. Me and Baltimore not so much. I had my first big car accident in the Harbor Tunnel back when I was in college. I was rear ended by an asshole with no license. My first lawsuit followed and I ended up in court 3 years later trying to settle it. Fortunately, Shmuppie had Dora on in the back seat, so she was oblivious. You could have strapped a BP cuff to me and watched me nearly have a stroke as we went through the tunnel. JewelrySlut called later on to say that she could see how nervous I was from behind me.

Through Baltimore, we head into the insanity that is 95 heading to DC. Jesus, they make NJ drivers look tame. We just stuck to the right and plowed ahead. The Gods were finally on our side because there was traffic everywhere on the northbound side. We were lucking out.

Next stop: Bethesda, MD and SecertAgentBrother�s place.

This was an event in the making. I had emailed him about 3 weeks in advance asking if we could sleep over. I made sure to say that it was the 3 of us AND the cats. E was less than keen about it, especially the cat part. Only after promising to clean up his downstairs bathroom, did he agree to let them be locked in there all night. We went through the same thing the night before with my parents. As of Thursday afternoon, it looked like we�d need to stay in a hotel because they didn�t want the cats locked in a spare bathroom all night.

So we arrived and met�..

Bom Bom Bom

The SecretAgentGirlfriend. Seems that now that SecretAgentWife is out of the picture, he�s got himself a new woman. Ok�whatever. I could care less. SecretAgentGirlfriend was cool but I think she thought I was insane. I wasn�t making much sense and kept asking too many questions that were usually met by an icy stare. I don�t know the rules about what you can and can�t ask your SecertAgentBrother�s SecretAgentGirlfriend. Nobody ever filled me in on all that.

The evening was painless. We got some Chinese, I pooped another 47 times and the 3 of us tried to get some sleep. I had to go find a fax machine to send Eleanor papers about taking possession of the house in advance of purchase or something, but that was it. By the way, Kinko�s is scary.

We thought the double bed was bad.

He has a trundle bed made up of 2 singles. We haven�t slept in a single bed since college. Shmuppie was on the lower bed (on the floor, not underneath us). After a little while, I abandoned the upper bed and went down to sleep with the kid. The 2 adults were not fitting. Well, over the course of the next 4 hours, I had the shit beat out of me. Shmuppie�s a violent sleeper. She kicked, punched, elbowed, pulled, grabbed, etc. At about 3:00 or so, I got up, threw JewelrySlut out of bed and sent her down for her beating. I needed SOME sleep before we left. Not good. My back was killing me.

So, that�s Friday. Not as bad as Thursday y any means, but the whole �Truck arriving early� thing was not planned nor was it pleasant. Our Sunday of relaxation was not meant to be. But, we were halfway to freedom. What�s next?